Because I just can't get over it.

This is my last carnival-related post...  I promise... until next year anyway.

It is finally over, and I have survived again.  Year 2.  Please let there not be a Year 3.  Please.  Pretty pretty please with glitter, sequins, beads, and fancy feathers.

This was my favorite song for this year.  It didn't win any competitions, but I could totally see myself swaying on the road, wining up and down and all around to it.  Sigh.  My living room had to do.  C'est la vie.

Trini Carnival Live on the internets

If you wanna see a lil something of what it is about click here.

It is Carnival weekend.

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And I am... 

I am...

Sigh.

I AM NOT MISSING IT NEXT YEAR!!!!

Now I'm going to hide in a (well-routined and scheduled) hole until it is over.  Apparently the Angel likes routine and schedules.  At least she will be happy.

WAAAAAHHHHHHHH ;-(

Live and Learn # 37654

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She fell asleep today with relative ease.  No long crying and raging.  No tantrums.  Just a few lil grumbles at nap time, but nothing to write home about.

So what was it?  The moon?  Weird unknown illness?  Growth spurt?

It would have been so much easier on both of us if I had just let her be, instead of trying to control.  I always remember too late that when she behaves like that, there is a reason, and that I need to just accept and go with the flow.

''Struggle or stress is a sign that the ego has returned, as are negative reactions when we encounter obstacles.''  - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth.

One day I will remember in time.

But why oh why could I not have read that ONE line a few days ago??  Why did I have to read it today, AFTER she had already fallen asleep peacefully.  The book has been sitting on the couch untouched for days.

Maybe it was a test.  Well guess who didn't ace that one!  As usual.  My teachers will not be shocked.

Live and Learn.

I know it's OK to cry... but REALLY.

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Every nap time, every night, during the night, mini melt-downs during the day, every time I try to cut a vegetable or wash a plate.  Jeez Louise.

What am I doing wrong?????  Or worse, is she sick?  I'm not seeing any real symptoms of anything.  Does constantly pulling your toes count as a symptom?

Nap time and bed time, which used to be so sweet, have turned into a struggle that leaves both of us in tears.  I know she is tired.  The yawns, eye-rubbing and I'm-not-hungry-but-i want-boobs are not classic  ''Let's PLAY!'' signals.

I decided to have the bedroom fitted with black-out blinds.  And I think I'm going to stop the nap-time and bed-time stories which just seem to excite rather than calm.  We read a million times a day anyway.  Maybe bath-time should be in the morning too.  Today I played this just before nap time and it seemed to help, a bit.  Crying was a few short squawks rather than 45 minutes of banshee.  I never thought I would say this, but 'Thanks, Brahm and Kenny G'.  It made me cry too.  What can I say, I'm a bit topped up on stress, and crying comes easy.

So is music what I need to soothe this restless beast angel?  Lawd how I wish she could talk and tell me exactly where my idiocy lies.  Although, maybe not.  I probably have many many years of that ahead of me.

Reading through some other parenting blogs today I realized that at no point in time over the next rest of my life will I be worry free.  There will always be SOMETHING to throw me off balance.  Not like I was particularly balanced to begin with.  As a Libran, balance is something I seem to be eternally seeking.  Note that I said seeking, and not finding.  I thought scales represented balance.  Although, now that I think of it, they are usually drawn kinda off-kilter, right?  Sigh.  Great.  Firetrucking great.

Ok, nuff ranting 'bout nothing important.

Center, breathe deeply, relax.  Ommmm.

I am an artist too.

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Isn't parenting a creative process?  It requires that you think about things that you never thought about before, in ways you never thought about them.  You try to get those feelings out, in positive, enlightening, uplifting way.  Wanting to do good by your child.  To help polish the rough stone that is your baby, and release the beautiful jewel that you know is inside.

And it is daunting.

There is the constant fear of failure.  Of doing it wrong.  Of others not liking what you  are doing, or have done.  There are critics everywhere. 

There is the confusion when it is not going how you think it should go.

but maybe thats the problem.. the thinking.

Maybe I'm not letting it flow.

And i'm restraining the creative gremlin that wants to come through me.

It is not all me.  It is greater than me.  I am the pipe line through which it will flow.  I need to be open and connected.

Art is meant to uplift humanity.  So are people.  The Angel is a people.  So am I.

I just need to keep showing up; to do my part.  Keep her safe, fed, warm, loved... and allow the muse to work on the rest.  The parts that I dont know.  It takes more than me to do this right.  I am a part of the whole.

Thanks Witchypoo and Schmutzie for this inspiration.  Check Schmutzie's post for your own inspiration.

Let it never be said that I am totally thick-headed.

Life with my beautiful Angel has been a bit tricky, to put it mildly:

Crying that I don't understand but know is all my fault; 

Nap and sleep times that have gone to Mars and back with nary a hint at routine;

Night-time wakings that I'm sure are not due to hunger seeing as most websites seem to agree that a 15 month old should not need to nurse overnight anymore;

Days like roller coasters that swing from heart-melting love and fun to heart-breaking screeching and despair.

Then I find this website that says most toddlers do not actually outgrow their need for 2 naps until 15 - 18 months.  And that taking them down to one nap too soon will result in a cute but energy-draining mini-grouch.  

DING goes the light bulb in my head.  So that's why she fell asleep in the grocery shopping cart yesterday at 11; and today in the stroller too.  I thought she was over her 2 naps MONTHS ago, and had her fighting it out (literally) until after lunch.  (Can you tell here that I don't get out much, seeing as it took sooo long for me to realise this??)

Over-tiredness comes in many shapes and forms, from almost permanent attachment to my boob to long sessions of tears, tears, tears.

And I have been living a confused life with a cranky child unnecessarily for several months now.  Poor little thing.  Lawd how she must have wanted to throttle me.

BUT!  Thanks to the Internets, I have found salvation.  Fingers crossed that tomorrow is a new and better day.

It made me realize though, that my initial refusal to ''schedule'' her as a little baby did more harm than good.  I was so determined to 'follow her cues', that I became completely reactionary.  That might work okay-ish for a newborn who simply sleeps when she is sleepy, but isn't such a good idea for a busy little thing who no doubt prefers lego to letsgoliedown.

Live and learn.

That's what I should really call this blog.  Live and learn.

And I found a cool website with great, easy toddler recipes.  Enjoy!

Sidenote about the sleep website: They have lots of advice for babies of all ages, so go check it out if you have any little ones.  Unless you know all that already, in which case... Why didn't you tell me??  I might not have listened anyway.  I'm an idiot like that sometimes.  I guess I found when I needed to find it.  Ironically I did ask for help today.  I sat, close to tears myself, with her crying in my lap, looked up at the ceiling and pleaded  ''Help me please.  Help me to do this for her.  Help me to do it right.  Help me.  I just want her to be happy.''  And TA DAH!  Within 2 minutes of being online I found that website.  Thank You Ceiling.  I really really appreciate it.  So you really should check it out.  It was divine intervention.