I know it's OK to cry... but REALLY.

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Every nap time, every night, during the night, mini melt-downs during the day, every time I try to cut a vegetable or wash a plate.  Jeez Louise.

What am I doing wrong?????  Or worse, is she sick?  I'm not seeing any real symptoms of anything.  Does constantly pulling your toes count as a symptom?

Nap time and bed time, which used to be so sweet, have turned into a struggle that leaves both of us in tears.  I know she is tired.  The yawns, eye-rubbing and I'm-not-hungry-but-i want-boobs are not classic  ''Let's PLAY!'' signals.

I decided to have the bedroom fitted with black-out blinds.  And I think I'm going to stop the nap-time and bed-time stories which just seem to excite rather than calm.  We read a million times a day anyway.  Maybe bath-time should be in the morning too.  Today I played this just before nap time and it seemed to help, a bit.  Crying was a few short squawks rather than 45 minutes of banshee.  I never thought I would say this, but 'Thanks, Brahm and Kenny G'.  It made me cry too.  What can I say, I'm a bit topped up on stress, and crying comes easy.

So is music what I need to soothe this restless beast angel?  Lawd how I wish she could talk and tell me exactly where my idiocy lies.  Although, maybe not.  I probably have many many years of that ahead of me.

Reading through some other parenting blogs today I realized that at no point in time over the next rest of my life will I be worry free.  There will always be SOMETHING to throw me off balance.  Not like I was particularly balanced to begin with.  As a Libran, balance is something I seem to be eternally seeking.  Note that I said seeking, and not finding.  I thought scales represented balance.  Although, now that I think of it, they are usually drawn kinda off-kilter, right?  Sigh.  Great.  Firetrucking great.

Ok, nuff ranting 'bout nothing important.

Center, breathe deeply, relax.  Ommmm.

I am an artist too.

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Isn't parenting a creative process?  It requires that you think about things that you never thought about before, in ways you never thought about them.  You try to get those feelings out, in positive, enlightening, uplifting way.  Wanting to do good by your child.  To help polish the rough stone that is your baby, and release the beautiful jewel that you know is inside.

And it is daunting.

There is the constant fear of failure.  Of doing it wrong.  Of others not liking what you  are doing, or have done.  There are critics everywhere. 

There is the confusion when it is not going how you think it should go.

but maybe thats the problem.. the thinking.

Maybe I'm not letting it flow.

And i'm restraining the creative gremlin that wants to come through me.

It is not all me.  It is greater than me.  I am the pipe line through which it will flow.  I need to be open and connected.

Art is meant to uplift humanity.  So are people.  The Angel is a people.  So am I.

I just need to keep showing up; to do my part.  Keep her safe, fed, warm, loved... and allow the muse to work on the rest.  The parts that I dont know.  It takes more than me to do this right.  I am a part of the whole.

Thanks Witchypoo and Schmutzie for this inspiration.  Check Schmutzie's post for your own inspiration.

Let it never be said that I am totally thick-headed.

Life with my beautiful Angel has been a bit tricky, to put it mildly:

Crying that I don't understand but know is all my fault; 

Nap and sleep times that have gone to Mars and back with nary a hint at routine;

Night-time wakings that I'm sure are not due to hunger seeing as most websites seem to agree that a 15 month old should not need to nurse overnight anymore;

Days like roller coasters that swing from heart-melting love and fun to heart-breaking screeching and despair.

Then I find this website that says most toddlers do not actually outgrow their need for 2 naps until 15 - 18 months.  And that taking them down to one nap too soon will result in a cute but energy-draining mini-grouch.  

DING goes the light bulb in my head.  So that's why she fell asleep in the grocery shopping cart yesterday at 11; and today in the stroller too.  I thought she was over her 2 naps MONTHS ago, and had her fighting it out (literally) until after lunch.  (Can you tell here that I don't get out much, seeing as it took sooo long for me to realise this??)

Over-tiredness comes in many shapes and forms, from almost permanent attachment to my boob to long sessions of tears, tears, tears.

And I have been living a confused life with a cranky child unnecessarily for several months now.  Poor little thing.  Lawd how she must have wanted to throttle me.

BUT!  Thanks to the Internets, I have found salvation.  Fingers crossed that tomorrow is a new and better day.

It made me realize though, that my initial refusal to ''schedule'' her as a little baby did more harm than good.  I was so determined to 'follow her cues', that I became completely reactionary.  That might work okay-ish for a newborn who simply sleeps when she is sleepy, but isn't such a good idea for a busy little thing who no doubt prefers lego to letsgoliedown.

Live and learn.

That's what I should really call this blog.  Live and learn.

And I found a cool website with great, easy toddler recipes.  Enjoy!

Sidenote about the sleep website: They have lots of advice for babies of all ages, so go check it out if you have any little ones.  Unless you know all that already, in which case... Why didn't you tell me??  I might not have listened anyway.  I'm an idiot like that sometimes.  I guess I found when I needed to find it.  Ironically I did ask for help today.  I sat, close to tears myself, with her crying in my lap, looked up at the ceiling and pleaded  ''Help me please.  Help me to do this for her.  Help me to do it right.  Help me.  I just want her to be happy.''  And TA DAH!  Within 2 minutes of being online I found that website.  Thank You Ceiling.  I really really appreciate it.  So you really should check it out.  It was divine intervention.

I have found the Hole Grail of parenting and want to give it to you!

No kidding.

Imagine that you have had a bad day at work.  You had a brilliant idea but nobody would listen or nobody understood.  The fax machine was tormenting your very soul.  Lunch was crap.  Traffic was insane.  You couldn't find your favorite pen.  Your boss was an ass.  Your co-workers were idiots.  You came home and just wanted to sit and vent with your best friend.  Then, instead of listening, your best friend starts to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider and show you shadow puppets.

If you are a parent, grandparent, aunty, uncle, nenen, tanti, babysitter, nana, papi, teacher, or any other kind of caregiver for young children, your life will be forever changed after you read ''Tears and Tantrums'' by Aletha Solter.

I mentioned an article that I found by the same author recently.  Well, the book really brings it all together.

The Angel, whom I love with every cell and fiber of my being, could be described as a clingy baby.  To put it mildly.  I could not do anything much at home during her waking hours.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, having a shower, computerizing, talking on the phone... all nearly impossible to achieve when she was awake.  And despite being fed solid food, she still nursed a jillion times a day too (leaving her nice and plump, and me looking like a string bean).  And night times weren't much better.  At 13 months, my beautiful baby girl still woke up to nurse at least 4 or 5 times a night.

Until yesterday... well it kinda started last week when I mentioned the article.  But I only read the book yesterday.

Last night, after following Dr. Solter's advice, my sweet, precious, beautiful, wonderful Angel peacefully slept EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT.

And today, I have been getting my work done with ease while she plays happily, coming over every so often for a snuggle or a giggle.

It is nothing short of a miracle.

How did this happen?  I know you are dying to know.  The book will give you a better understanding, but in short, I no longer repress her need to vent.

When she gets upset, I no longer nurse, sing, rock, soothe, distract with funny noises or silly games.  I sit, lovingly hold her, look into her eyes, tell her that she is safe and loved, and accept her sadness, frustration or anger in its full force.  I let her vent.  How ever many times she needs to.  And after 13 months of repression, she has some venting to do.

Nap time and bed time are times when we lie down together, and feeling safe in my arms, she now lets it all out.  All the frustrations of her day.  When she feels better, she happily and peacefully drifts off to sleep...  and STAYS that way.

Some Attachment Parenting folks might not agree with this approach.  Indeed, when I started following the advice of AP resources online, calming and soothing her cries was more of the focus.  But I actually feel more attached and connected to the Angel when she vents with me.  W  She is beginning to really trust me with her sadness, fear and anger.  She now knows that I will listen and accept her, unconditionally, validating her feelings.  Good and bad.

So, who wants a copy of the book?  I'm giving one away for free. Let me know if you want it in the comments.  I'll choose the winner somehow or other by next week sometime or other.

Tears on my pillow

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When the Angel was a newborn, I started reading everything I could find on babies.  Some things made sense to me, some didn't.  One thing that struck a note was from  ''The Continuum Concept''.  I didn't read the book, just some stuff on the website (I'm sure there is a lesson in there).  The author mentioned that in the tribe she studied, the babies there hardly cried.  These were not the colicky, tantrum-throwing, clingy, whiney little ones that are often prevalent in western culture.

Somehow, that little piece of information got warped in my brain.  It was warped into ''If your baby cries, you are a bad parent and you are doing it wrong.''

Did I mention the warping?

So, it became my modus operandum to ensure that my baby never cried.  When she became colicky at around 6 weeks, I spent her crying hours curled up with her on the bed rubbing her feet to turn the cries into moans.  (The pain of my rubbing probably distracted her from her own pain, now that I think about it).  When I discovered that nursing would almost instantly stop any cries, I shoved my boob into her mouth at the first note of distress.  Anything that caused crying, like putting her down for a second, or not letting her play on the stairs even though I had things to do, was not done.

A year of this turned me into something resembling a slave.  

Thank you Oh Warped Brain of Mine.

The lightbulb moment came recently.  I started to realize that this did not make sense.  That this was going to ensure that my Angel was definitely heading down the road of the ''Spoilt Brat'' that I thought I would never raise.

Then I found this website: Understanding Tears and Tantrums by Dr. Althea Solter.

Lesson Number One: It is OK to cry.  

Lesson Number Two:  It is IMPORTANT to cry.

Lesson Number Three: Letting my baby cry while I sit lovingly and attentively with her does not make me a monster.

Lesson Number Four:  Constantly sticking my boob into her mouth is not helping her.  It is actually making it worse.

Lesson Number Five:  Bad feelings need to be felt and acknowledged, not distracted and pacified.

I've started to put it into practice.  There has been some crying, and my clothes are covered in snot.  On the first day, most of the day was spent sitting with her, drenched in tears and not getting much cooking or anything else done. But it is getting better.  She is even starting to play on her own a bit.  And today she fell asleep at nap time without being nursed down in her sling.  A day I thought I would never see.

I have made many mistakes in her first year.  And Lord knows there are a jillion more that I will make in the years to come.  Hopefully, none too damaging, and hopefully she will forgive me.

At present there is an alien noise from outer space on the baby monitor.

peace and love,

T.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

I didn't mean to bash the internet yesterday (Hi Lis ;-)). It has been my saviour throughout my pregnancy and even more since the angel came along.

If it wasn't for the internet I would most likely have given up on breast feeding a long time ago; especially given those torturous first weeks when my confidence was at an all time low, and certain family members kept harping on about not having enough milk, and formula being the Great God of fat babies with pretty skin. The angel also probably wouldn't know the comfort of being worn in a sling, and sleepy night time snuggle nursing, nor I the convenience. I might never have heard of Attachment Parenting and would be caught in the struggle between listening to my instincts and being afraid of spoiling my baby. (She's not spoilt dad. She's just a baby who needs her mama).

I googled ''Baby Screeching'' in an effort to understand what could be causing these recent heart-stopping, ear-piercing, sometimes-seemingly-random shrieks that the angel has taken to producing regularly in the past few days. Various forums popped up with other mom's looking for the same help as me.

+1 Point to the Internet: I am not alone in this. It happens. We are not freaks! And it seems to be sorta common in the 6 to 9 month age bracket, right where the angel fits in.

There were all sorts of responses, ranging from ''My baby does that too, and I have no idea why'' to ''It happens when they are frustrated and trying to communicate. Teaching them sign language at this stage might help.''

Also found was ''My baby does it to get attention so I ignore her and told everybody else to ignore her too. She stopped doing it when she realized that nobody was going to respond''.

-1 point to the internet for giving people who share damaging advice a bigger voice than they should have. Yes I believe in censorship... to a degree. Although, by that same argument, maybe I shouldn't be allowed to blog!

Granted this person found a solution, but the consequences of the solution far outweigh the benefits. All that little baby learnt was that her needs were not important or worthy of attention, that nobody cared what she felt, and that the people she depended on most would not always be there for her. These are not the lessons I want the angel to learn. And these are the lessons that too many people have learnt. The same people that feel isolated, angry, voiceless, powerless, lost.

And we all know how these poor souls contribute to society.

But reading more I did find some commonality with my situation. Being hungry, tired, over-stimulated, or simply needing a cuddle seemed to be triggers. So it seems that I was losing touch with the angel and wasn't reading her cues properly anymore. Or maybe her cues changed?

Solution: Reconnect, pay closer attention.

+1 point WWW

Overall score: Positive.

Every rose has it's thorn.

Nap time, trini style

Are you having a little trouble helping your angel to settle?  Does she get kinda fretty and whiny when she's sleepy?  

Worry no more!  I have a wonderful solution just for you!  GUARANTEED!

Simply sling her up and pick one of these groovy soca hits below.  Crank up the volume and boogie, wine, gyrate, shake it like nobody's watching!  

Nah Going Home

Woman by my Side

Wukking Up

One More Time

Down the Road

Forget those lame lullabies... SOCA is what you need!  She'll be in La La Land in no time!

Works everytime :)