I am trying not to be a prude.

I grew up Catholic.  And with that comes all the hang-ups about your body, which they will tell you is a beautiful thing, that God made it in his image yadda yadda yadda.  But at the same time, if you show it to anybody, or let anybody touch it, other than your spouse, or touch it yourself other than when you are having a shower, and then ONLY for cleaning, you will burn forevermore in the pits or fire and brimstone.

Talk about sexual repression... I tell you!

I also went to a Catholic all-girls school.  We had private showers after gym.  There was none of this ''girls showering together and walking around naked'' thing that I saw on American TV.  We didn't even let our panties be seen by the rest of the class.

Then I became a young woman, and the consequences of this repression came out in full swing.  No pun intended.  But the mental hang-ups remained, coupled with the whole ''I'm Fat and don't have perfect boobs'' thing that you get from watching TV and reading Cosmo.  This resulted in WONDERFUL self-confidence and body image.

Anyway, I moved to Estonia three years ago.  A HUGE part of Baltic culture is the Sauna.  You might have seen that Britney video where she is writhing seductively in one of them.  Naked, of course.  Because that's how you do sauna.  Naked.  With other people in there too.  All naked.  But they aren't writhing like Britney.  At least not from what I've seen.

I'd managed for the most part to avoid getting nekkid in front of anybody other than hubby, until last week.  You see, I started taking the Angel to the pool... to swim (duh).  And there are no private showers at the pool.  Only those prison-break types.  On my first day, I was surrounded by so many naked bodies, that my eyes went into shock.  In my bikini, I showered let water run over me and kept my eyes glued to the floor, looking up every so often to marvel at these women who walked around in a myriad of sizes, shapes, textures.  Not so many different colours though.  Estonia ain't exactly cosmopolitan.  But I couldn't get over how they just walked around letting it all hang out!  Shocking!!  How could they do that??

I had to try it!  I would face my fears.  Because I am brave and strong and eat my vegetables.  Besides, if these old women, with the flesh and scars of life could do it without a care, then my 30 year old body could do it too.  I'm no pin-up girl, but what I've got ain't that bad.  And besides, it's mine, right?  It keeps my baby and husband happy.  It looks cute enough in jeans.  And it's MINE!  I ought to be proud of it.  Not ashamed.  Every dimple, stretch mark, sag, bump, and lump.  Mine, mine, mine.

I'm still trying to convince myself here.

But I did it.  The second time we went swimming, I took it all off in the showers.  And kept my eyes crazy-glued / evo-stuck / nailed / to the floor.  Several deep breaths included.  I was in and out in seconds.  They probably thought I was a little mad.  While they scrubbed each others backs.  The next time wasn't so hard.  I looked up.  Stayed a bit longer.  And each time it got easier.  Now!  Heck, I'm in the sauna, chilling, well maybe that's a poor choice of word.  I'm in the shower, the locker room... without wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

What a big deal over NOTHING!!!!

It helps of course that I don't know anybody there.  That helps Big Time.  There's still some work to be done.

Dollar Wine

I know you have been dying out which soca song could possible be known all the way over here in Elbonia.  Seeing as soca just isn't what you think of when you think about this country.  Vodka, snow, Russia... sure.  Soca?  Not really.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that a song from my home country was a BIG HIT over here, and also apparently on Disney Cruises.

There is a special dance that goes along with it, of course.  Like all good soca, there must be dancing instructions for the audience:

Cent : Shake your hips to the left

5 Cent : Shake 'em to the right

10 Cent : Push the booty back

Dollar : Thrust it forward like a dog humping your leg.  No kidding.

Enjoy today's workout!

Pan sweet pan

I was going to post a song, Trini soca of course, that a friend over here in Estonia loves.  When we met (at a Caribbean party, natch) and he found out I was Trini, it was the first song he asked if I knew. 

But you will have to wait with intensely baited breath for that.

Because before I found that song on youtube, I wandered over to Tash's and learnt that she is taking Lou to the pan yards tonight.  And my heart broke a little.  You see, pan is a BIG part of Carnival, it being our National Instrument and all.  The pan yards are where the steelpan bands practice for the big competitions leading up to Carnival.    And there is nothing like standing in the yard, surrounded by those sweet, pulsating rhythms.

I chose ''This One is For You Bradley'' by Phase II.  They won the Panorama competition in 2006, and I heard them practice it just before I left for my life here in Estonia.  It was the last time I heard live pan. 

Hello Again!

I know it has been forever.  The essential combination of Inspiration, Time, and Computer Availability has been in short supply over the past month.  I did start a couple posts, but inevitably a crisis of catastrophic proportions would arise, like a poopy nappy, and that was the end of that.

Thanks Eye and Lou for reminding me that I am loved :)

So, 2008 is soooo last year.  My first year of motherhood (more love, less sleep); my second year of married life (more laughs, less shaving); my third year away from home (more freedom, less good food).

Onto 2009!  I continue my journey into the realm of awareness.  Fingers crossed that I maintain the momentum.  N.B.  The Celestine Prophecy, The Seat of the Soul, Many Lives Many Masters and A New Earth are definitely worth your time.  Any others I should check out?

My Eureka moment last night:  I can be happy in Estonia.  The reasons for not being so are excuses out of fear.  Get a grip, get a life, get off my ass and quit whining.  Feel free to kick me in my cyber-butt should I regress :)

peace and love.

P.S.  The Angel thought that the most fitting place for a poop was in Buckingham Castle over the holidays. tee hee hee.  My (Irish) father is proud.

WT... Friday

Any idea why I changed this to Wednesday?  Me neither. 

But anyway:

The unopened pack of  ham slices that were supposed to expire TOMORROW were already smelling funky.  WT...?  So much for the visions of club sandwiches that where shaking their bootays in my head.  PBJ... meh.  It silenced the growl at any rate.

They put up the Christmas trees in the mall.  But that was it.  Just Christmas trees.  No lights.  No dangly thingys.  No sparkling stuff.  WT... ??  Welcome to Elbonia.

And that's it!  That's all I got.  It's been a good week I guess :)

So let's hear yours!

The baby bit my boob and other fun tales.

AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW.

That's how I reacted to the searing feeling of her newly chipped front tooth grating away the skin of my poor, poor, right mammary.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. sniff sniff sniff.

That's how she reacted to my reaction.

''Oh no, Mama's sorry pumpkin. It's OK. It's OK. Here you go'' *returns now shredded and bleeding boob to sniffling Angel*.

*Stifle scream of agony as she resumes nursing.*

She didn't mean to. It was an accident. It was most likely my fault. It still hurts like the deepest flaming pits of hell. It was her favorite boob too. It still is.

Onto other fun stories!

I didn't marry an @ss!!  I knew it! He is a wonderful, caring, sensitive, loving, funny, awesome, smart, sexy, handsome man. He just had a moment of weakness. It happens. I was a bee-atch. It happens. But everything is all lovey dovey once more :) Yay! Being in love is so yummy :)

It's CHRISTMAS!! My tree et al is up. The baby is trying her best to take it back down. I am Jingle Bell Rocking all around the kitchen thanks to this amazing lil program called Spotify. Since I can't get any Trini radio stations to play on the Mac (because the Mac, the radio stations and / or I am incompetant), I am using this nifty thingy to listen to all my music. Unless you like really crappy pop, obscure Euro trash tunes or weird techno music, Estonian radio just doesn't cut it.

Music is such an important part of Christmas, isn't it! There is nothing like the notes of those old hymns or the jingling of the bubbly Christmas pop to transport you back to your own childhood days when Christmas was a time of magic. Listening to it today while I pushed the baby around in the living room in her stroller (she likes it, we don't have to get dressed, I'm sure we look weird, but I'm not complaining) I felt that magic again.

The magic of twinkling lights; the excitement of trying to catch a glimpse of Santa and his flying reindeer; the smell of ham, home-made bread, sorrel, ponche-de-creme, turkey and stuffing; the bustling feeling of preparation in the air; the choir at church who always give it that extra jazz; the magical stories; the beautiful, fairy-tale decorations at the mall; the new curtains and freshly painted walls; the happy visitors; the creche; the generosity; the laughter of Christmas morning; the ''how yuh Christmas shaping up?'' from everybody you meet; Soca Santa sweating on the highway in his roller skates advertising Elsa's Toy Store; the any-time-of-the-day-traffic-jams; the music that plays only at this time of year.

Elbonia doesn't really celebrate Christmas. They acknowledge it all right, but I wouldn't use the word ''Celebrate''. They are a reserved people (coughcoughgrinchescoughcough) If you blink at the mall you are likely to miss the decorations. Nary is carol to be heard.  Polar opposite to Trini Christmas.  Trini's are everything but reserved.

This will be my 3rd year away from home for Christmas. I would give anything to be back in Trini. But Birmingham will have to do. Yup! Birmingham. One of my closest friends, Nalini and her two little girls are leaving warm and sunny / rainy Trini to spend a cold Yuletide with her brother in B'ham. The Angel, hubby and I will be crashing.  We'll be kicking it pseudo-trini style, with scarves and sweaters instead of strappy tops and stilettos . Grocery lists are being compiled for real Trini ingredients as I write.  And I am finally feeling ''it''.

I'm really really looking forward to Christmas this year :)

Are you feeling the feeling yet?