She said it best.

I had a fight this morning with Hubby.  We were both idiots.  Both angry.  Both frustrated.  Neither of us listening to the other.  Each screaming like a baboon.  Only perhaps baboons are more civilized.  

We screamed in front of the Angel.  This hurts me.

But there is a blog I read almost everyday.  I really try not to miss it.  It keeps me on track when I get lost... which is often.  It reminds me when I forget.  And I suck at playing Memory.  She wrote something a little while ago that came back to my mind once I had stopped screaming and arguing in my head.

Here it is:  I choose you.

Does being a libran make you bi-polar?

Cobwebs cobwebs cobwebs.  Chez moi in bloggy-land, chez moi in Elbonia-land.

I kinda realized that our happiest, funnest, sweetest, most stress-free days, the Angel and me, are the days when I don't do jack-shit other than just BE with her.  Building snowmen cuz the snow won't bloody quit.  Watching Dora sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 25 times in a row.  Exploring the back yard.  Playing football.  Playing Bouncy on the air-mattress... etc etc etc.  You catch my drift.

So now the floors are sticky and dusty with little dried spots of somethingorother, much like the table.  There is a pile of laundry up to my elbows, which quite possibly explains why I can't find  my favorite drawers.  Our diet is based mainly on sandwiches or throw-it-in-a-pan-and-stick-it-in-the-oven gastronomical delights.  Forget blogging!  And I have a child who is deliriously happy... AND... wait for it... dramatic drum-roll... Sleeping through the night!!!  (The black-out blinds?  Maintaining routines and schedules?  More fresh air?  Who knows!)

Yes folks.  My nights have returned to the land of mostly uninterrupted sweet sweet slumber.  A mere (???) 15 months post-partum.  I now know what 6, 7, 8, even 9 hours of solid sleep feels like!!  It was a hazy, misty memory.  And damn you Gods if you even THINK about taking that away just cuz I blog about it.  It is MINE.  You can't take it back. na na nana nah :-P

To celebrate I went out to shake my booty and got shit-faced instead with little or no actual booty shaking.  And then spent most of the following day semi-comatose, jacked up on Mc Donalds and Coke (the black, fizzy, overloadofsugarandcaffeine one.)  But it was SO WORTH IT!!!  I had SO MUCH FUN!!  Caps and exclamation points should be all over the place with the amount of fun I had.  I yapped my gums to anyone within earshot for as long as they would listen before they would find somebody else to rescue them and take their place.  It was probably really really obvious that I don't get out much. hahahahaha.  sigh.  Too bad.  It will take a while for the whole ''i don't see people'' vibe to work it's way out of my system.

If only I had a trusted baby-sitter... then Hubby and I would be able to get shit-faced TOGETHER, instead of taking turns.  In time.  In time.

I just realized this post is polar-opposite to my last one which was all sob sob poor me.  Who remembers that I'm a libra?!?!  

Up, down, in, out, all about.

She fell asleep at 4:30pm today on the way home from the mall.  And it seems as I write this at 6:00 pm, like she is down for the night.  Earlier this week she fell asleep at 9:30pm.  Last week saw 5:30pm and 11:00 pm.

Not scheduled much???

She used to be a roughly 7 /8 pm to 7 / 8 am with a couple wake-ups in between.  Now, I have no clue how things will go.  I'm just following her lead.

I'm totally for ''sleep when you are tired and eat when you are hungry''.  It makes perfect sense to me.  But jeez, what's wrong with a lil' semblance of routine?!

So now I have the WHOLE EVENING to myself, and I have no clue what to do with it.  There are dishes and toys to be packed, laundry, general cleaning, my nails, sleep debts to repay.  You know, the exciting stuff.  But... naah...  How bout nothing for a change?

Hubby left this morning to go ride sled dogs for Santa somewhere past the Arctic Circle in Northern Finland.  He said that Rudolf isn't so special... all the reindeer he has seen so far have red noses.  Maybe Rudolf is just a stud like that.  I wonder if he will bring back a Husky?

Later edit:

So much for that early bed time.  She woke up at 7:15.  It is going to be a looooong night.

The baby bit my boob and other fun tales.

AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW.

That's how I reacted to the searing feeling of her newly chipped front tooth grating away the skin of my poor, poor, right mammary.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. sniff sniff sniff.

That's how she reacted to my reaction.

''Oh no, Mama's sorry pumpkin. It's OK. It's OK. Here you go'' *returns now shredded and bleeding boob to sniffling Angel*.

*Stifle scream of agony as she resumes nursing.*

She didn't mean to. It was an accident. It was most likely my fault. It still hurts like the deepest flaming pits of hell. It was her favorite boob too. It still is.

Onto other fun stories!

I didn't marry an @ss!!  I knew it! He is a wonderful, caring, sensitive, loving, funny, awesome, smart, sexy, handsome man. He just had a moment of weakness. It happens. I was a bee-atch. It happens. But everything is all lovey dovey once more :) Yay! Being in love is so yummy :)

It's CHRISTMAS!! My tree et al is up. The baby is trying her best to take it back down. I am Jingle Bell Rocking all around the kitchen thanks to this amazing lil program called Spotify. Since I can't get any Trini radio stations to play on the Mac (because the Mac, the radio stations and / or I am incompetant), I am using this nifty thingy to listen to all my music. Unless you like really crappy pop, obscure Euro trash tunes or weird techno music, Estonian radio just doesn't cut it.

Music is such an important part of Christmas, isn't it! There is nothing like the notes of those old hymns or the jingling of the bubbly Christmas pop to transport you back to your own childhood days when Christmas was a time of magic. Listening to it today while I pushed the baby around in the living room in her stroller (she likes it, we don't have to get dressed, I'm sure we look weird, but I'm not complaining) I felt that magic again.

The magic of twinkling lights; the excitement of trying to catch a glimpse of Santa and his flying reindeer; the smell of ham, home-made bread, sorrel, ponche-de-creme, turkey and stuffing; the bustling feeling of preparation in the air; the choir at church who always give it that extra jazz; the magical stories; the beautiful, fairy-tale decorations at the mall; the new curtains and freshly painted walls; the happy visitors; the creche; the generosity; the laughter of Christmas morning; the ''how yuh Christmas shaping up?'' from everybody you meet; Soca Santa sweating on the highway in his roller skates advertising Elsa's Toy Store; the any-time-of-the-day-traffic-jams; the music that plays only at this time of year.

Elbonia doesn't really celebrate Christmas. They acknowledge it all right, but I wouldn't use the word ''Celebrate''. They are a reserved people (coughcoughgrinchescoughcough) If you blink at the mall you are likely to miss the decorations. Nary is carol to be heard.  Polar opposite to Trini Christmas.  Trini's are everything but reserved.

This will be my 3rd year away from home for Christmas. I would give anything to be back in Trini. But Birmingham will have to do. Yup! Birmingham. One of my closest friends, Nalini and her two little girls are leaving warm and sunny / rainy Trini to spend a cold Yuletide with her brother in B'ham. The Angel, hubby and I will be crashing.  We'll be kicking it pseudo-trini style, with scarves and sweaters instead of strappy tops and stilettos . Grocery lists are being compiled for real Trini ingredients as I write.  And I am finally feeling ''it''.

I'm really really looking forward to Christmas this year :)

Are you feeling the feeling yet?

Thursday 13. My first year of being a Mama.

In a few days, the Angel's first year will have be over. My baby just isn't a baby anymore. There were times during this year that I longed for her to be older just so I could understand and be understood, but there were countless more times when I held onto every inch of her soft, baby sweetness and whispered ''I want you to stay like this forever.''

1. Mommy-love is the most overwhelmingly beautiful thing that I have ever experienced. When she was first born, it took me completely by surprise and I swore I could never have another baby. It just wasn't possible to love more than one person this much. Now, I'm not so sure. Me thinks me wants more... lots more :) (Relax honey, I can wait a little while longer.)

2. Labour is the most horrendously, excruciatingly PAINFUL thing that I have ever experienced. When it was over, I swore that I would NEVER EVER EVER have another baby. There was NO WAY IN HELL that I would put myself through that again. And that was with an epidural (or so they told me). Now, I'm not so sure. Me thinks me wants an all-natural home birth next time :)

3. I don't know of anything sweeter than my baby's smile.

4. I don't know of anything more heartbreaking than my baby's tears.

5. Sleepless nights suck. You get over it and live to see another day. Although that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. It sucks especially hard when, despite being awake for half the night, the baby decides to start the day at 5:30 am.

6. Sucking the snot out of your newborn's nose when she can't breathe isn't as gross as it sounds. It tastes like water, but slightly more gelatinous. I know you were dying for that tidbit of information :D

7. Everyday I experience more joy than I knew existed before I had her.

8. I have, at times, gone days without a shower; I have often been covered in puke, snot, pee, poop, and sometimes a combination; I can't remember the last time I had my nails done or wore high heels; I am still fabulous :)

9. Now that she is a toddler, I miss my baby.

10. Now that she is a toddler, I can't wait to see who she will become.

11. A toddler is a world of fun, shrieking giggles, silly games, tests of patience, jiggly bottoms scurrying away at nappy-change-time, splashy baths, everything needs to be tasted, cupboards are for emptying, cat tails are for pulling, sweet snuggles, and unabashed love.

12. A newborn is a world of tiny hands, the sweetest angel sighs, itsy bitsy clothes, heart-breaking tenderness, softly curled little bodies, miraculous beginnings, and love love love.

13. Seeing a man lovingly take care of his baby is a guaranteed panty-dropper. (thanks for that lovely expression Witchypoo :)

WTF Friday

Last night I found out that today will be Friday. WTF! Where did the week go? In honor of my Eureka moment, I present all the things this week that have made me say WTF:

Only 35% of Estonians supported Obama. WTF??

The fact that this was a defining moment in history was not that important here (except to us foreigners). There wasn't much ado about it at all. WTF?

There was ICE on the car this morning. WTF!!

The Prime Minister of Trinidad wants to spend 35 million TT dollars to lease luxury vehicles for the Summit of the Americas from BMW in Germany. The local dealers wanted to lease them to the government at no cost. WTF?!?!?!?!?!

The tooth fairy now has to pay 20 dollars per tooth. WTF! In my day, I got 25 cents! Kinda like how in my parents' day they used to pay 3 cents for a loaf of bread, with cheese. Damn I feel old.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. So why am I doing this alone? WTF! (Yes, I have a husband, but he is at work all day. He does what he can, especially after enthusiastic discussions about the value of sitting on the couch with his laptop and its impact on the parenting experience.)

The cat's bowl is empty. Am I the only one that sees that? WTF?

I've been very tired, kinda pukey, head-achey, my boobs are sporadically leaking, but the pee-pee stick only shows 1 line. WTF??

Sarah Palin didn't know that Africa was a continent. W.T.F???????????

I saw a t-shirt that read ''Don't blame me, I voted for McCain''. WTF?

In 2 weeks, the Angel will be ONE YEAR OLD. WTF?!! Where did the year go??????? My tiny, soft, precious, beautiful, cooing, fragile little newborn is now a rumbling, tumbling, babbling, even more precious, even more beautiful toddler. But more on that in another post.

I am a wife and mother! WTF!!!!!! (But that's to be read in more of a ''Oh my God! HOW COOOOOL'' kinda way )

So there you have it. My Eureka moments for this week. Did you have any?

Typical Morning Conversations with the Funny Dude, Part 2

ˇ
Hubby: I think I shall buy myself a new hat... like This One!





(Click here for Part 1)

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

I love ya,
Tomorrow.
You're only a DAY AWAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!

Shave legs et al - Check
Wash hair - Check
Buy special stuff for dinner - Check
Buy his favorite beer - Dang, I knew there was something I forgot. Will correct this on the morrow.
Go to sleep early tonight - Checked as soon as this is posted.

Y'all unnerstan if you don't hear from me tomorrow, right?

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

Hubby: Honey! We're going to see the Hoover Dam this weekend!

Me: That's the one from the Beavis & Butthead movie, right?

Hubby: Um, yeah. (weird look comes over his face and there is a slight shake of his head)

Me: Yeah. Of all the millions of interesting facts about the Hoover Dam, that's the one I remember.


What can I say... I just have more pressing issues competing for grey matter than Hoover and his Dams :-P

Saturday night on the couch.

My last weekend of the single mama drama. WHEW. Praise the Universe and everybody in it. I have survived this far, surely I can go a few more days until the LOVE of my LIFE gets back into my lonely arms on Tuesday to be squished for hours and hours and hours. I will show the Angel the TRUE meaning of clingy.

She misses him too. She just lights up when she hears Skype ringing and sees him on the screen :)

On another note, I seem to have got the whole step-mommy thing down! Yes, I am a step-mama too... and apparently not of the beautiful but evil with poisoned apple persuasion. My step-daughter has spent both weekends with us, even though her dad isn't here... by her own choice. I guess I can't be doing too badly a job if she wants to hang out with me all weekend long, twice. Although I'm sure the Angel does get some credit... and the absence of a certain pesky younger brother that you don't have to share the computer with. But it has been cool. Becoming a mama myself has made the step-part muuuuch easier and more fun.

And Saturday night finds me curled on the couch, cup of tea in hand, my book and cat on my lap. I have been trying to read this book since my Mom gave it to me back home in July. Which really is not an accurate reflection of how good it is. It really is good. I have had so many moments of ''Yes, this is True'' reading it. Which just cause me to put it down and get lost in my own thoughts as I ponder the deep, real wisdom that is The Seat of the Soul. Anybody else read it?

Oh so very very very loooong day

Hubby has been in the US o' A for the last week. He's still there. He's gonna be there all this week too.

I have been here. A.L.O.N.E.

This single mom stuff is very very (badword) hard.

Tash, and Bella, hats off to you ladies. And in case you forget, tell your parents how much you LOVE and APPRECIATE the HELP and SUPPORT that they give you. Because, trust me, not having ANY SUPPORT, is NOT EASY.

I am too tired to think straight, and have had to correct too many typos in the last 5 lines.

Oh Happy Day

Doesn't this pic just about sum it up? I love my country... and it appears, so does the angel.

She is such a trooper! She has crossed the Atlantic, gone from living like a hermit to being surrounded be dozens of adoring aunties, uncles, grannies, grandads, some sober, some not, but all adoring and whisking her off to be adored by more aunties et al. And she isn't complaining!

And her mama is eternally grateful.

Grateful for the other mama friends who have completely different parenting styles, but don't judge. Grateful for friends who are there to talk about everything from nappies and boobs to Brangelina. Grateful for fabulous friends who have houses on the beach and allow us to come stay. Grateful for wonderful friends who take the angel to see the cool stuff over-there so that her mama can be not-over-there, even if it is only for 5 minutes. Grateful for grannies who cook breakfast, lunch, dinner. Grateful for a wonderful funny dude who looks after himself, doesn't mind the hours of girl talk, or at least doesn't complain, and fits in with ease.

Life is good.

A Tale of 4 cities

I had forgotten how HOT and STICKY it is here! Geeeeezzz. Drip drip drip, fan, pant, fan, drip drip drip.

Not that I'm complaining of course :)

Tallinn to London, 3 hours > London to Tobago, 9 hours plus 1 hour delay > Tobago to Trinidad, 15 minutes plus 2 hour delay.

By the time we pulled into my parent's garage i was TIE-UHHHD.

We left rainy and chilly Tallinn and arrived in equally rainy and chilly London. Not much of a story there. The angel handled pretty well, the occasional ''I am sleepy'' protests, but nothing too major. I'll admit, I was worried about the upcoming trans-atlantic haul.

Gatwick airport seemed to be having one of those everything-will-wrong-today days. Poor guys and gals working there. It seems that they are trying to replace check-in agents with 'puters. Only the 'puters eh working like they should. So mass confusion reigned. And the conveyor belts for the luggage were striking too.

Have you ever seen a Trini living in foreign coming home?? We talkin' bout 5 or 6 suitcases packed with all the tings in foreign that we doh have home. No wonder the poor conveyor belts gave up. The angel slept for most of the 2 hours that just getting checked in took. I was a grateful mama-bear.

As for the actual flights, she was a perfect angel! She played, slept, and flirted with everyone around. When she got hungry, hubby draped a big ol' blanket over us. I can only imagine how we looked, but it was nothing if not amusing :)

And now I am home. Its a bit rainy but at least its warm. Trips down the islands and to the beach are in planning, the phone in ringing, various aunties are stopping by, and mom is cooking. Ahh. Home sweet home.

Ying and Yang

The difference between Estonians and Trinis as illustrated by reading a poem to an angel:

Trini (me): LET it rain!! WHO CARES??? I've a train, UPSTAIRS!

Estonian (hubby): Letitrainwhocaresiveatrainupstairs.

Yes, being colour blind seems to extend to his speech as well. hehehe. The angel loves it nonetheless :)

He is the ying to my yang.

I had been in cold, dark, wintery Tallinn for 3 days when one of the 2 people I knew here called to say he was heading out for a few beers. Why not, I thought. The TV in the hotel room was only showing stuff in not-english, so I was up for adventure. And in pre-angel days, was there much else other than drinking and liming until wee hours? Not really.

He was sitting a few chairs away from me. The first (and only) guy to catch my eye over here. Dark hair, full lips, chiseled features... hmmm, sexy. And apparently I had caught his! By the end of the night promises of Exciting Tallinn Tours had been made. I honestly didn't expect too much of it.

Our first date was a movie. Because this is the best way to see Tallinn, of course. Underworld, Part 2. Seriously. The funny dude took me to a vampire flick.

But it worked. Within 2 months we were engaged; one year, married; one year and nine months, mommy and daddy.

Mornings are still groggy, like they were in the early days. Now an angel with the biggest toothy grin wakes us up at the time we used to only just be going to bed. Nights out cavorting until sunrise have been replaced by nights in, curled up on the couch watching whichever new series has us hooked. But the laughs haven't changed. Or the off-key singing we both excel at :) We just do it at home now instead of the karaoke bar.

Life is a far cry from anything I had ever imagined. But as a wise person once said, ''Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans''.

Inert - lacking the ability or strength to move; chemically inactive.

Last night as hubby and I were watching an old (but new for us) episode of The Wire (which we are totally addicted to, in the way that downloading entire seasons which you can watch at your own leisure after the Angel goes to sleep, can foster) when I had an epiphany.

Actually my epiphany came when I had to go nurse her back to sleep cus she woke up... again. She does that every hour or so until I come to bed. But at least I get a few precious hours of hubby-and-me or just-me time in between.

So we had just seen a scene where Prez got some advice from a co-teacher at the inner-city school he just started working at. ''Give them lots of activities to do. Keeping them busy keeps them off-guard!''

And as I was lying next to the angel my mind wandered on over back to that.

How do you learn to bake a cake? Make and fly a kite? Ride a bike? It sure isn't by reading and memorizing the instructions, right? It was by dropping a few eggs on your mothers just mopped kitchen floor, getting glue stuck in your hair and skinning a few knees.

Or is that just me?

I know people have different learning styles. Rote memorization (is that redundant?) never really worked for me. I still have a hard time remembering multiplication tables, despite repeating them day after day after day after day after day in morning school traffic with my Dad.

When you think about the VAST quantity of info that is handed out during the 20 or so odd years of school, how much of it is retained?

Like Chemistry. The most abstract thing I ever studied at school. I just couldn't see it in real life. My teacher asked me if I never thought about where soap came from. Not really, no. I sensed some disappointment there. Biology, some geography, art, some physics, sure! Chemistry... negative. There was just no reaction in me with that info. I was completely inert in that environment.

Although I did learn what 'inert' meant. And it only took me 15 years to use it :)

So what's my point? I'm not really sure actually. Just felt like rambling a bit.

A typical morning conversation with the Funny Dude.

Hubby:  Honey, I don't want to wear this grey T-shirt anymore.  I want some more colour!

Sideline:  Hubby is hopelessly colour blind.  Not in the I-don't-have-a-clue-what-mauve-is kinda way of most men.  He can't tell the difference between red and green.  He lives in a world of greys.  His clothing reflects this.

Me:  Well there's that green stripey one...

Hubby:  No, no, not enough colour.  I want PINK... SPANDEX!!

I have half a mind to go shopping today :)

A Day at the Zoo

It was so beautiful on Sunday so off to the zoo we went... along with the rest of Tallinn.  Circled around, looked for a place to park so we could join the million-man-line, drove straight into another car also doing the same.

Sigh.

Damage to us:  Radiator busted, front door can't open, bumper bumped out of commission, hood sqooshed.

Damage to them: a scratch on their back door.

But I could not have hand-picked a prettier spot to have an accident!

There was an old crow reading the papers.  He was sick though, or really old... by the time we got the bureaucracy out of the way, he had gone off to birdie heaven.

I took lots of pics of pretty flowers.  The Angel tried to eat most of them... the flowers that is, not the pics.

This lil old lady was grumbling with her hubby.  He just held her hand and walked along with her.

Gave up on the zoo and went to get some grub instead.

We can try again some other time.

In the beginning...

I originally wrote this at the end of the first week after the angel was born.  It seems like it was just yesterday, but at the same time, she has grown so much... and I have grown so much that it also seems like eons ago.

So i have survived the first week more or less intact. BOY.. pressure.  What i've learnt so far:

A bath is a luxury

I can do laundry every day and still have a full basket waiting to be done.

The recovery is a slow process... stitches really take their time to heal. I still can't sit down easily, and am walking like a geriatric duck.

Breast feeding is a real skill and does NOT come naturally to everybody. I started thinking I wasn't producing enough for her, but found out that it is just that she wasn't latching on properly and as such wasn't getting enough, or encouraging my boobs to produce more. We are still figuring it out. Pumping a little bit before i feed her seems to be helping so far, fingers crossed.  This discovery was made after both of us were in tears at 2 this morning and I was desperately searching the internet for help.

I can stare at her for hours. Iz a real different kinda love. 

I love cuddling up with her to sleep or just to lie down. She hasn't spent a night in the crib yet.

You lose all sense of shame and can walk around with your boobies and other parts hanging out in front of almost anyone. Being naked in front of my mom and hubby at the same time is strangely not weird.

Breast feeding is the best way to lose the weight. I am back to normal size, my tummy is gone. It feels a lil squooshy with the extra skin, but is basically flat already. Mikael last night said ''But honey you're slim!!'' like he forgot that i wasn't always like an elephant. hehehe.

I LOVE MY MOM!! If my mom wasn't here I would probably have gone mad, or starved to death by now. She is my saviour! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, holding Zara so I can do whatever I need to (like bathe!)

You can never describe the whole experience (labour and being a mom) to somebody who hasn't gone thru it themselves. It eh have no words to describe the pain or the love.

5 minutes to myself is A LOT of free time... and it is now up :)

Shhhh... sleepy-time

One of my most absoutest favoritest things to do is sleep.  And now that I have an angel snuggled up with me, it has become THE most absolutest favoritest part of my day.  

She naps sometimes in her sling, her angel face resting over my heart, her little dimpled hand pressed against my chest with a look of complete calm and peace.  At the mall today, she fell asleep like that.  (Not, of course, without her screeching announcement that the hour of nap was nigh.  I swear, she goes from zero to Banshee in 5 seconds flat!)

But as she drifted off against me, I looked down at her and got that overpowering rush of mommy-love that consumes your whole body... undeniably one of the most wonderful things to ever experience.  The first time I felt that was the night that she was born.  Despite 17 hours of excruciating labour, I was not tired that night, and it seemed that neither was she.  We lay side-by-side and stared at each other for what felt like hours, yet also felt timeless.  Time had stopped then.  The feeling is fiercely tender, overcomes your every cell and engulfs your soul.  I gasped.  I still gasp sometimes when I feel it's power.

I bent my head to nuzzle her hair and inhale that sweet smell of baby, then looked up at hubby.  ''She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen'' I told him.

And I get to do this every day... several times!  

At night it seems extra soft.  In the dark she curls up into my stomach, and I curl around her.  When she wakes up to nurse, she does, and then we both drift back off.  I can't imagine missing out on this by putting her in a crib.

I read recently that some states in the US want to make co-sleeping illegal because some people co-slept with their babies, and their babies died.  Then I read that the study was based on people with drug and alcohol abuse problems.  You can form your own opinion on that.

I don't think a life sentence could make me stop.