Somewhere over the rainbow.

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The Angel has an ear infection :(

I noticed some time back that she was tugging at her ears, and I thought that they smelt funny.  But she didn't seem to be in pain, so I didn't rush her of to the doctor, my idiot mind thinking maybe she just had an itch.  I have itchy ears all the time, and never thought anything of it.

You see what happens when you listen to your mind all the time???  SHADDAP ALREADY!

Being present and aware is much harder than I thought.

And now my mom thinks that I am negligent.  Because she rushed us to the doctor at the first sign of a cough and fever... because it might be meningitis.

So now we're doing the antibiotics thing.  Funny enough they are the same antibiotics that I was given regularly as a child (Amoxil).  I thought they would be useless by now, after all the misuse and uncompleted courses.  Lord knows how many super-bugs were grown back then.

On another note, the night and nap time venting continues, with added intensity for the infection.  Poor little thing.  I wish I could make it all disappear.  I wish I could make her life nothing but warm, sunny days with ice cream, friends, rainbows and bunnies.  But I can't.  Indeed, I shouldn't even wish that for her.  For there would be no rainbows if it never rained.  

She trusts me more and more now with her sadness and anger.  When I first started accepting her cries, she would hardly make eye contact during her venting moments, and would pull away.  Now, her big, sad eyes lock with mine as she pours her little heart out.  Who knew that being a baby could be so hard.

There are days when I wonder if I am doing the right thing.  It can be hard to listen to your baby cry like that.  And I sometimes feel so helpless.  I'm her mama.  I should be able to make it better.

Am I saving her money on therapy later, or am I adding to her bill?

The thing is, apart from the times when she vents, she is a happy baby... growing in confidence, trusting her daddy more, needing me a bit less, and sleeping sooooooo much better.

Time will tell.

Baby steps

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She's taking them! Yes folks, the Angel is walkin'. It will be a while before she is ready for a marathon, but the first shaky but proud, tentative but determined, I don't need my mama, baby steps have been taken. This is when it is supposed to get easier, right? Right? Please say yes!

I'm so proud of her. *beaming stupid grin*

But I don't think it can compare to how proud she is of herself :)

And just in time too. All I have been hearing from my mom is how my brother and I walked in 10 months. And it's still a few weeks until her 11 month birthday. Not that it matters to me. But now my mom can go telling her friends that her grandchild is walking.

She seems to have taken after me though... most comfortable when barefoot. Shoes just seem to get in the way. A sad state of affairs when it is 10ˇC outside.

I don't have a video yet. When she was doing her thang I glanced longingly at the camera perched on the kitchen counter, knowing that if I got it, all she would want to do it eat it. And then you would have a video of baby teeth and drool and not baby steps.

On another note, Alex spent his 3rd night somewhere that isn't here :( I'm still holding onto hope that he will come home.


P.S. I entered some of those fave thingies on my profile, if you care.

P.P.S She is actually 1 week away from 11 months... and 1 week away from my 30th! OMG!! When did that happen???

A tale of 2 mamas

My mom and I had a fairly typical relationship growing up. She, the experienced older woman, would tell me what to do, and I, the all-knowing teenager, would do the opposite. She was generally right. I generally got caught. And the times I didn't get caught, I think she and my dad just pretended... or ignored.

Things didn't change much when I entered my 20's. I was still all-knowing, and desperate to be out from under her wings. She was still being my mom.

Needless to say, there were some, ahem, differences of opinion, in our household.

But then I moved away. And got engaged. And got married. And got pregnant. And had a baby.

The day I came home from the hospital, she helped me get undressed, much like she did when I was a baby. Walking was difficult, as it can be after some 7+ pounds of small human explodes from your lady bits. So she walked for me. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, grocery shopping in a place that doesn't label anything in English, walking the baby... everything that needed to be done. So that I could sleep, and heal.

I don't know how I would have gotten through it without her and kept my sanity intact.

Needless to say, our relationship has changed.

I don't know if all mother-daughter relationships go through a change after the daughter herself becomes a mom. But I don't see how it can't. All of a sudden you become aware of a whole new perspective. And you begin to understand. And you are sorry for things that you said or did.

Today is my mom's birthday :) Her only wish was to hold her grand-daughter again. I wish she could have too, so I could go pee take the pictures I forgot to take when we were home in July. But we made do with the webcam. Its not perfect, but its all we have for now.

Happy Birthday Mom!! Wish you were here.

A Tale of 4 cities

I had forgotten how HOT and STICKY it is here! Geeeeezzz. Drip drip drip, fan, pant, fan, drip drip drip.

Not that I'm complaining of course :)

Tallinn to London, 3 hours > London to Tobago, 9 hours plus 1 hour delay > Tobago to Trinidad, 15 minutes plus 2 hour delay.

By the time we pulled into my parent's garage i was TIE-UHHHD.

We left rainy and chilly Tallinn and arrived in equally rainy and chilly London. Not much of a story there. The angel handled pretty well, the occasional ''I am sleepy'' protests, but nothing too major. I'll admit, I was worried about the upcoming trans-atlantic haul.

Gatwick airport seemed to be having one of those everything-will-wrong-today days. Poor guys and gals working there. It seems that they are trying to replace check-in agents with 'puters. Only the 'puters eh working like they should. So mass confusion reigned. And the conveyor belts for the luggage were striking too.

Have you ever seen a Trini living in foreign coming home?? We talkin' bout 5 or 6 suitcases packed with all the tings in foreign that we doh have home. No wonder the poor conveyor belts gave up. The angel slept for most of the 2 hours that just getting checked in took. I was a grateful mama-bear.

As for the actual flights, she was a perfect angel! She played, slept, and flirted with everyone around. When she got hungry, hubby draped a big ol' blanket over us. I can only imagine how we looked, but it was nothing if not amusing :)

And now I am home. Its a bit rainy but at least its warm. Trips down the islands and to the beach are in planning, the phone in ringing, various aunties are stopping by, and mom is cooking. Ahh. Home sweet home.

There's no place like home!

I'm going home in July :)  

Home is far far FAR away from where I live now, and even though I haven't lived there in 2 years, and probably won't live there again for many more, if ever at all, it is still home.  I think it will always be for me.  With all it's sky-rocketing crime, idiot politicians who call themselves leaders, and crazy inflation among other issues, I still love it there and miss it terribly. 

Even though I am over-the-moon to be going home, I can't help but feel some trepidation about the visit.

What I can't wait for:

SUN SUN SUN!  And not having to wear more than 1 layer of clothing.  Summer here in Estonia seems to have come and gone a few weeks ago.  Bleh.

Going Down the Islands with my 2nd family.  Hi Y'all!!  I miss you guys!  It's cool that I call y'all my second family right?  That's what you all are to me anyway.  I am soooo looking forward to seeing you guys and the lime!

FOOOOOOD!!  One of the things that ALL trinis miss when they leave home.  Roti, doubles, a good pelau, bake and shark, mango chow, curry duck, coconut water, Aunty Fatima's corn soup... drool drool drool.  I think I will be coming back to Tallinn a dress size or 2 larger.  Tough luck.

My Girlfriends.  It will be nice to have people other than hubby and baby to talk to.  Not that I don't like talking to them... I'm all about ''goo goo ga ga'' during the day and  ''baby ima want you'' at night (kidding, kidding), but there is nothing that can really replace your girls.  I miss them more than they probably realize, especially the mommy-ones.  Now that I've joined them there, I really miss having that support that only other moms can give a girl.  It will also be cool to be able to talk as fast as I want, in English, and not having to deal with the confused looks from others when everything gets lost in translation... if it was ever found to begin with.

 

The Family.  I can't wait for them to meet the Angel :)  I am dying to see my dad play with her like he played with me.  And I know my mom is counting down the days to being able to snuggle with her Pinky.  I think they are looking forward to seeing her more than seeing me!  I'm sorry my brother won't be there though.  And it will be great to have a couple extra pairs of hands so that I can cop a five now and then... if the Angel approves of course.

Tomorrow:   What I CAN wait for.

In the beginning...

I originally wrote this at the end of the first week after the angel was born.  It seems like it was just yesterday, but at the same time, she has grown so much... and I have grown so much that it also seems like eons ago.

So i have survived the first week more or less intact. BOY.. pressure.  What i've learnt so far:

A bath is a luxury

I can do laundry every day and still have a full basket waiting to be done.

The recovery is a slow process... stitches really take their time to heal. I still can't sit down easily, and am walking like a geriatric duck.

Breast feeding is a real skill and does NOT come naturally to everybody. I started thinking I wasn't producing enough for her, but found out that it is just that she wasn't latching on properly and as such wasn't getting enough, or encouraging my boobs to produce more. We are still figuring it out. Pumping a little bit before i feed her seems to be helping so far, fingers crossed.  This discovery was made after both of us were in tears at 2 this morning and I was desperately searching the internet for help.

I can stare at her for hours. Iz a real different kinda love. 

I love cuddling up with her to sleep or just to lie down. She hasn't spent a night in the crib yet.

You lose all sense of shame and can walk around with your boobies and other parts hanging out in front of almost anyone. Being naked in front of my mom and hubby at the same time is strangely not weird.

Breast feeding is the best way to lose the weight. I am back to normal size, my tummy is gone. It feels a lil squooshy with the extra skin, but is basically flat already. Mikael last night said ''But honey you're slim!!'' like he forgot that i wasn't always like an elephant. hehehe.

I LOVE MY MOM!! If my mom wasn't here I would probably have gone mad, or starved to death by now. She is my saviour! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, holding Zara so I can do whatever I need to (like bathe!)

You can never describe the whole experience (labour and being a mom) to somebody who hasn't gone thru it themselves. It eh have no words to describe the pain or the love.

5 minutes to myself is A LOT of free time... and it is now up :)