Monday, March 2, 2009

Sometimes...

... I wonder how it is that I can forget how much I love and adore my beautiful baby, my Angel, and shout at her.
... I feel like the worst mother in the world.
... I worry that she will hate me.
... it makes me cry.
... I don't know what takes over me, and I get mean.
... I worry that I might, one day, hit her.
... I am afraid.
... I understand how my mother felt.
... I fear that my baby will feel the same way I did.
... I feel guilty too often

8 comments:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

She can't hate you yet--really! And your guilt and fear are NOT unusual--it was exactly the same feelings that kept me in check in the most frustrating moments with my boys when they were little. Your fears will get you through the toughest days! They will!

Janelle said...

Cool, so you're saying you're normal. :) The only thing I can tell you is; Do not parent by guilt.

Tash said...

You are no different from any other mother - I promise we ALL feel like you, Sometimes. And then at other times, you know you're doing a great job. It's an emotional roller coaster babe. If you didn't have those fears, then is when you'd have to about not being a good mother. Checks and balances. And yes, you will shout at her again. We all do. Hang in there love!

LceeL said...

If you didn't care, you wouldn't say a thing.

Nan said...

Try shouting BEFORE you lose your temper :) it actually has been known to work!

The boys say they love me,(cuz I give them chocolate chips outa the bag?) and I have shouted in anger, hit (rarely) (and not in anger), and been totally unreasonable (expecting good behaviour from a tired or hungry child). More childish than the child. Those early years were really hard for me, as you know! It's good to admit you're normal!

It's really hard to go from single independent babe to "Mom". I think it can take a few years to get used to and not somehow resent the babies? My life changed so much when I had mine. I was thinking the other day how far I've come: I never lose my temper any more! I'm loving and reasonable! Even when they are in a rage, it doesn't upset me! They can yell at me and I speak calmly back! I'm a grownup who my kids can count on to be even and fair, hugs anytime, handing out healthy snacks and advice, firm but flexible.....

This is the calm before the teenage storm, I can tell!!!

witchypoo said...

My deepest insecuritiies are about my mothering. I think it's normal.

eye in de sky said...

Beat she! heh heh

sweet said...

few things here- you have the most courage than everyone I know to express the dark side. It means that you are in harmont with her more than you realise. And from my experience- these babies love you even if your a shithead.

You are a conscious witness of your own anxieties. Brilliant! At one time, I couldnt witness, thinking repression and explosion was the only solution. You know my story.

She wont understand hitting unless the world exposes her, and that is how they learn to be anxious- even how we learned.

I am so proud and honour you as my soulsister. All my love in every lifetime.