Saturday, April 18, 2009

I want to remember

I want to remember your tiny hands... how the curled in my palm when you were a tiny babe, how they hold mine now as we walk in the grass.

I want to remember how your soft curls tickle my nose as you sleep on my heart.

I want to remember how we danced on our wedding day.

I want to remember the way your eyes light up when you smile at me.

I want to remember how my heart bursts when I look at you.

I want to remember you purring, curled up into my neck, kneading my shoulders.

I want to remember how you looked at me when I told you I was pregnant.

I want to remember how you made the world exciting when I was a child.

I want to remember how grateful I was that you were here when I became a mama too.

I want to remember how the sun feels on my face after a long winter.

I want to remember that I love you.

Friday, April 10, 2009

She said it best.

I had a fight this morning with Hubby.  We were both idiots.  Both angry.  Both frustrated.  Neither of us listening to the other.  Each screaming like a baboon.  Only perhaps baboons are more civilized.  

We screamed in front of the Angel.  This hurts me.

But there is a blog I read almost everyday.  I really try not to miss it.  It keeps me on track when I get lost... which is often.  It reminds me when I forget.  And I suck at playing Memory.  She wrote something a little while ago that came back to my mind once I had stopped screaming and arguing in my head.

Here it is:  I choose you.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I am trying not to be a prude.

I grew up Catholic.  And with that comes all the hang-ups about your body, which they will tell you is a beautiful thing, that God made it in his image yadda yadda yadda.  But at the same time, if you show it to anybody, or let anybody touch it, other than your spouse, or touch it yourself other than when you are having a shower, and then ONLY for cleaning, you will burn forevermore in the pits or fire and brimstone.

Talk about sexual repression... I tell you!

I also went to a Catholic all-girls school.  We had private showers after gym.  There was none of this ''girls showering together and walking around naked'' thing that I saw on American TV.  We didn't even let our panties be seen by the rest of the class.

Then I became a young woman, and the consequences of this repression came out in full swing.  No pun intended.  But the mental hang-ups remained, coupled with the whole ''I'm Fat and don't have perfect boobs'' thing that you get from watching TV and reading Cosmo.  This resulted in WONDERFUL self-confidence and body image.

Anyway, I moved to Estonia three years ago.  A HUGE part of Baltic culture is the Sauna.  You might have seen that Britney video where she is writhing seductively in one of them.  Naked, of course.  Because that's how you do sauna.  Naked.  With other people in there too.  All naked.  But they aren't writhing like Britney.  At least not from what I've seen.

I'd managed for the most part to avoid getting nekkid in front of anybody other than hubby, until last week.  You see, I started taking the Angel to the pool... to swim (duh).  And there are no private showers at the pool.  Only those prison-break types.  On my first day, I was surrounded by so many naked bodies, that my eyes went into shock.  In my bikini, I showered let water run over me and kept my eyes glued to the floor, looking up every so often to marvel at these women who walked around in a myriad of sizes, shapes, textures.  Not so many different colours though.  Estonia ain't exactly cosmopolitan.  But I couldn't get over how they just walked around letting it all hang out!  Shocking!!  How could they do that??

I had to try it!  I would face my fears.  Because I am brave and strong and eat my vegetables.  Besides, if these old women, with the flesh and scars of life could do it without a care, then my 30 year old body could do it too.  I'm no pin-up girl, but what I've got ain't that bad.  And besides, it's mine, right?  It keeps my baby and husband happy.  It looks cute enough in jeans.  And it's MINE!  I ought to be proud of it.  Not ashamed.  Every dimple, stretch mark, sag, bump, and lump.  Mine, mine, mine.

I'm still trying to convince myself here.

But I did it.  The second time we went swimming, I took it all off in the showers.  And kept my eyes crazy-glued / evo-stuck / nailed / to the floor.  Several deep breaths included.  I was in and out in seconds.  They probably thought I was a little mad.  While they scrubbed each others backs.  The next time wasn't so hard.  I looked up.  Stayed a bit longer.  And each time it got easier.  Now!  Heck, I'm in the sauna, chilling, well maybe that's a poor choice of word.  I'm in the shower, the locker room... without wishing the floor would open up and swallow me.

What a big deal over NOTHING!!!!

It helps of course that I don't know anybody there.  That helps Big Time.  There's still some work to be done.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Sometimes I totally get my ideas from other people.

I stole this from Nan who got it from somebody else.  Finish the sentences... or not.  It is totally up to you ;-)

1. My partner is... on the couch.  He is napping while the baby naps.  Smart fella.

2. Maybe I should... go help the kids unpack groceries, vacuum, do some laundry, have a nap.  But naaaahh.  I haven't blogged much recently for whatever reason.  And now I have some time, combined with a tiny dash of inspiration.  This dynamic duo has been in seriously short supply recently.  So I'm taking advantage.

3. I love... my family.

4. People would say that... I can't sing for shit, but I've got great energy on-stage!

5. I don't understand... politics and money.

6. When I wake up in the morning... the Angel says ''Ann... Some''.  She thinks my name is Ann.  And she just learnt to say ''Some'' :)

7. I lost... my way in Riga, Latvia once and ended up walking in a dark, deserted street.  A pizza delivery guy gave us directions to where we wanted to go, but, of course, I knew better!  So we spent a couple hours walking around, still lost.  Then we found a highway? and took a taxi.  The driver took us to where we wanted to go... about 5 minutes away from the hotel we were staying at.  Hubby doesn't let me read the map anymore.

8. Life is... full of sunshine, except in Winter.  I'm so happy that Spring is here!!!

9. My past has taught me... that I can be a real idiot sometimes.

10. I get annoyed when... there is no toilet paper, and sometimes when people see things on the floor and just step over them and keep walking.  The second one is only really annoying when it happens at home.  I wonder if they know that the magic clean-up-shit fairy doesn't live here?  I wonder what would happen if I started doing the same thing?

11. Parties are... even more fun when you don't have to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn the following morning.

12. I wish... there was no more money, politics, state lines, or religion.

13. Dogs... are a lil more work than cats, but more fun.

14. Cats... can be pussies.

15. Tomorrow... I'm going swimming at the pool with the Angel!

16. I have a low tolerance for... empty toilet paper rolls still on the thingy, and empty cartons in the fridge.

17. If I had a million dollars... I would probably spend it.

18. I'm totally terrified of... roaches.

19. I'd rather be... chilling on the beach.

20. My vice is... herb.  but shhhhhh.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Once upon a time there were some ducks.

They lived under a bridge nearby.  We had some old bread, because we didn't eat it all before it went and expired.  And some people don't think that eating old bread is a very good idea.  So we decided to give it to the ducks.  Because they aren't so picky about their bread.

 So we went to the bridge and threw it for them.  They seemed pretty happy about the whole thing, until we ran out of bread.  Then somebody else came along with more bread, and they defected.  No loyalty I tell you.
We went sledding instead.  Because that is what you do when your ducks defect.