Because I just can't get over it.

This is my last carnival-related post...  I promise... until next year anyway.

It is finally over, and I have survived again.  Year 2.  Please let there not be a Year 3.  Please.  Pretty pretty please with glitter, sequins, beads, and fancy feathers.

This was my favorite song for this year.  It didn't win any competitions, but I could totally see myself swaying on the road, wining up and down and all around to it.  Sigh.  My living room had to do.  C'est la vie.

Trini Carnival Live on the internets

If you wanna see a lil something of what it is about click here.

It is Carnival weekend.

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And I am... 

I am...

Sigh.

I AM NOT MISSING IT NEXT YEAR!!!!

Now I'm going to hide in a (well-routined and scheduled) hole until it is over.  Apparently the Angel likes routine and schedules.  At least she will be happy.

WAAAAAHHHHHHHH ;-(

Live and Learn # 37654

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She fell asleep today with relative ease.  No long crying and raging.  No tantrums.  Just a few lil grumbles at nap time, but nothing to write home about.

So what was it?  The moon?  Weird unknown illness?  Growth spurt?

It would have been so much easier on both of us if I had just let her be, instead of trying to control.  I always remember too late that when she behaves like that, there is a reason, and that I need to just accept and go with the flow.

''Struggle or stress is a sign that the ego has returned, as are negative reactions when we encounter obstacles.''  - Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth.

One day I will remember in time.

But why oh why could I not have read that ONE line a few days ago??  Why did I have to read it today, AFTER she had already fallen asleep peacefully.  The book has been sitting on the couch untouched for days.

Maybe it was a test.  Well guess who didn't ace that one!  As usual.  My teachers will not be shocked.

Live and Learn.

I know it's OK to cry... but REALLY.

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Every nap time, every night, during the night, mini melt-downs during the day, every time I try to cut a vegetable or wash a plate.  Jeez Louise.

What am I doing wrong?????  Or worse, is she sick?  I'm not seeing any real symptoms of anything.  Does constantly pulling your toes count as a symptom?

Nap time and bed time, which used to be so sweet, have turned into a struggle that leaves both of us in tears.  I know she is tired.  The yawns, eye-rubbing and I'm-not-hungry-but-i want-boobs are not classic  ''Let's PLAY!'' signals.

I decided to have the bedroom fitted with black-out blinds.  And I think I'm going to stop the nap-time and bed-time stories which just seem to excite rather than calm.  We read a million times a day anyway.  Maybe bath-time should be in the morning too.  Today I played this just before nap time and it seemed to help, a bit.  Crying was a few short squawks rather than 45 minutes of banshee.  I never thought I would say this, but 'Thanks, Brahm and Kenny G'.  It made me cry too.  What can I say, I'm a bit topped up on stress, and crying comes easy.

So is music what I need to soothe this restless beast angel?  Lawd how I wish she could talk and tell me exactly where my idiocy lies.  Although, maybe not.  I probably have many many years of that ahead of me.

Reading through some other parenting blogs today I realized that at no point in time over the next rest of my life will I be worry free.  There will always be SOMETHING to throw me off balance.  Not like I was particularly balanced to begin with.  As a Libran, balance is something I seem to be eternally seeking.  Note that I said seeking, and not finding.  I thought scales represented balance.  Although, now that I think of it, they are usually drawn kinda off-kilter, right?  Sigh.  Great.  Firetrucking great.

Ok, nuff ranting 'bout nothing important.

Center, breathe deeply, relax.  Ommmm.

I am an artist too.

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Isn't parenting a creative process?  It requires that you think about things that you never thought about before, in ways you never thought about them.  You try to get those feelings out, in positive, enlightening, uplifting way.  Wanting to do good by your child.  To help polish the rough stone that is your baby, and release the beautiful jewel that you know is inside.

And it is daunting.

There is the constant fear of failure.  Of doing it wrong.  Of others not liking what you  are doing, or have done.  There are critics everywhere. 

There is the confusion when it is not going how you think it should go.

but maybe thats the problem.. the thinking.

Maybe I'm not letting it flow.

And i'm restraining the creative gremlin that wants to come through me.

It is not all me.  It is greater than me.  I am the pipe line through which it will flow.  I need to be open and connected.

Art is meant to uplift humanity.  So are people.  The Angel is a people.  So am I.

I just need to keep showing up; to do my part.  Keep her safe, fed, warm, loved... and allow the muse to work on the rest.  The parts that I dont know.  It takes more than me to do this right.  I am a part of the whole.

Thanks Witchypoo and Schmutzie for this inspiration.  Check Schmutzie's post for your own inspiration.

Let it never be said that I am totally thick-headed.

Life with my beautiful Angel has been a bit tricky, to put it mildly:

Crying that I don't understand but know is all my fault; 

Nap and sleep times that have gone to Mars and back with nary a hint at routine;

Night-time wakings that I'm sure are not due to hunger seeing as most websites seem to agree that a 15 month old should not need to nurse overnight anymore;

Days like roller coasters that swing from heart-melting love and fun to heart-breaking screeching and despair.

Then I find this website that says most toddlers do not actually outgrow their need for 2 naps until 15 - 18 months.  And that taking them down to one nap too soon will result in a cute but energy-draining mini-grouch.  

DING goes the light bulb in my head.  So that's why she fell asleep in the grocery shopping cart yesterday at 11; and today in the stroller too.  I thought she was over her 2 naps MONTHS ago, and had her fighting it out (literally) until after lunch.  (Can you tell here that I don't get out much, seeing as it took sooo long for me to realise this??)

Over-tiredness comes in many shapes and forms, from almost permanent attachment to my boob to long sessions of tears, tears, tears.

And I have been living a confused life with a cranky child unnecessarily for several months now.  Poor little thing.  Lawd how she must have wanted to throttle me.

BUT!  Thanks to the Internets, I have found salvation.  Fingers crossed that tomorrow is a new and better day.

It made me realize though, that my initial refusal to ''schedule'' her as a little baby did more harm than good.  I was so determined to 'follow her cues', that I became completely reactionary.  That might work okay-ish for a newborn who simply sleeps when she is sleepy, but isn't such a good idea for a busy little thing who no doubt prefers lego to letsgoliedown.

Live and learn.

That's what I should really call this blog.  Live and learn.

And I found a cool website with great, easy toddler recipes.  Enjoy!

Sidenote about the sleep website: They have lots of advice for babies of all ages, so go check it out if you have any little ones.  Unless you know all that already, in which case... Why didn't you tell me??  I might not have listened anyway.  I'm an idiot like that sometimes.  I guess I found when I needed to find it.  Ironically I did ask for help today.  I sat, close to tears myself, with her crying in my lap, looked up at the ceiling and pleaded  ''Help me please.  Help me to do this for her.  Help me to do it right.  Help me.  I just want her to be happy.''  And TA DAH!  Within 2 minutes of being online I found that website.  Thank You Ceiling.  I really really appreciate it.  So you really should check it out.  It was divine intervention.

Cuz I have shit-all else to say

Thanks Nan for this one:

The Rules:

Answer these questions, USING ONLY ONE WORD! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to only use one word answers. Be sure to link to the person you received it from!

1. Where is your cell phone? dunno
2. Your significant other? office
3. Your hair? wet
4. Your mother? far
5. Your father? away
6. Your favorite song? Soca
7. Your dream last night? House
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? Presence
10. What room you are in? Study
11. Your hobby? Reading
12. Your fear? Absence
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? there
14. Where were you last night? here
15. Something that you aren’t? dead
16. Muffins? yum
17. Wish list item? heat
18. Where you grew up? Trinidad
19. Last thing you did? typed
20. What are you wearing? dress
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pets? hairy
23. Friends? real
24. Your life? happy
25. Your mood? cool
26. Missing someone? lots
27. Car? black
28. Something you’re not wearing? drawers
29. Your favorite store? Bookstore
30. Your favorite color? red
33. When is the last time you laughed? breakfast
34. Last time you cried? post-labour
35. Who will resend this? Dunno
36. Favorite vacation? sunny
37. One person who emails me regularly? Nalini
38. My favorite place to eat? Trinidad

To boob or not to boob

The Angel is 14 months old now.  She is no longer a baby, although I know she will always be my baby, and I've been thinking about weaning recently.

I know that a lot of people will think that I deserve an award for having breast-fed for so long.  But I also know that it is normal and natural for toddlers to nurse until they are at least 2.  It is apparently a cultural thing to wean them early.

But as much as I still mostly enjoy the tender sweetness of holding my baby to my breast, I also at times don't like having my clothes yanked and my chest clawed.  And how I wish the night-time feedings would end.  (That being said, the current 1 or 2 night-time feedings is MUCH better than what we were dealing with up to 3 short weeks ago. ''Tears and Tantrums'' ... it saved my sanity.)

It is such an intimate experience, breast-feeding.  

I never expected it to be so emotionally charged.  I remember the devastation and grief I felt in the early days when I thought that I did not have enough to feed her.  Although that reaction could just have been the hormones I was roller-coaster-riding on after she was born.  It was a short-lived issue anyway.  Soon enough I had sufficient milk to feed someone sitting clear across the room.  

Then there are those moments when she smiles up at me, without letting go of course, and my heart bursts. And most recently, the michelin-man legs and toes that end up in my face are just so yummy.  She is quite flexible.

I'm trying to encourage more ''loves and hugs and kisses''.  Less boob needed for those.  Same sweet smiles in return.  And there is always some kind of food or drink within easy reach.  She still seems to want the boob though.  I guess she just isn't ready.

I don't want to end up doing it out of anything other than love though.

I started off so gung-ho on letting her wean for herself... whenever that would be.  In keeping with my determination to be a Perfect Parent.  HAHAHA.  What a warped notion.  I failed to be that from day one!  Now, I'm praying that she won't still be nursing when she is two.  I wonder how many more of those parenthood-humility-moments I have in store.  Countless I'm sure.

Its a good thing this book doesn't run out of pages.