Hello Again!

I know it has been forever.  The essential combination of Inspiration, Time, and Computer Availability has been in short supply over the past month.  I did start a couple posts, but inevitably a crisis of catastrophic proportions would arise, like a poopy nappy, and that was the end of that.

Thanks Eye and Lou for reminding me that I am loved :)

So, 2008 is soooo last year.  My first year of motherhood (more love, less sleep); my second year of married life (more laughs, less shaving); my third year away from home (more freedom, less good food).

Onto 2009!  I continue my journey into the realm of awareness.  Fingers crossed that I maintain the momentum.  N.B.  The Celestine Prophecy, The Seat of the Soul, Many Lives Many Masters and A New Earth are definitely worth your time.  Any others I should check out?

My Eureka moment last night:  I can be happy in Estonia.  The reasons for not being so are excuses out of fear.  Get a grip, get a life, get off my ass and quit whining.  Feel free to kick me in my cyber-butt should I regress :)

peace and love.

P.S.  The Angel thought that the most fitting place for a poop was in Buckingham Castle over the holidays. tee hee hee.  My (Irish) father is proud.

Thursday 13. My first year of being a Mama.

In a few days, the Angel's first year will have be over. My baby just isn't a baby anymore. There were times during this year that I longed for her to be older just so I could understand and be understood, but there were countless more times when I held onto every inch of her soft, baby sweetness and whispered ''I want you to stay like this forever.''

1. Mommy-love is the most overwhelmingly beautiful thing that I have ever experienced. When she was first born, it took me completely by surprise and I swore I could never have another baby. It just wasn't possible to love more than one person this much. Now, I'm not so sure. Me thinks me wants more... lots more :) (Relax honey, I can wait a little while longer.)

2. Labour is the most horrendously, excruciatingly PAINFUL thing that I have ever experienced. When it was over, I swore that I would NEVER EVER EVER have another baby. There was NO WAY IN HELL that I would put myself through that again. And that was with an epidural (or so they told me). Now, I'm not so sure. Me thinks me wants an all-natural home birth next time :)

3. I don't know of anything sweeter than my baby's smile.

4. I don't know of anything more heartbreaking than my baby's tears.

5. Sleepless nights suck. You get over it and live to see another day. Although that doesn't change the fact that it sucks. It sucks especially hard when, despite being awake for half the night, the baby decides to start the day at 5:30 am.

6. Sucking the snot out of your newborn's nose when she can't breathe isn't as gross as it sounds. It tastes like water, but slightly more gelatinous. I know you were dying for that tidbit of information :D

7. Everyday I experience more joy than I knew existed before I had her.

8. I have, at times, gone days without a shower; I have often been covered in puke, snot, pee, poop, and sometimes a combination; I can't remember the last time I had my nails done or wore high heels; I am still fabulous :)

9. Now that she is a toddler, I miss my baby.

10. Now that she is a toddler, I can't wait to see who she will become.

11. A toddler is a world of fun, shrieking giggles, silly games, tests of patience, jiggly bottoms scurrying away at nappy-change-time, splashy baths, everything needs to be tasted, cupboards are for emptying, cat tails are for pulling, sweet snuggles, and unabashed love.

12. A newborn is a world of tiny hands, the sweetest angel sighs, itsy bitsy clothes, heart-breaking tenderness, softly curled little bodies, miraculous beginnings, and love love love.

13. Seeing a man lovingly take care of his baby is a guaranteed panty-dropper. (thanks for that lovely expression Witchypoo :)

Thursday Thirteen... on turning 30

As some of you know, I hit the top of the hill yesterday! Whooot whoot!! To celebrate, I had a lovely nap. Bliss. Thanks for all the good wishes, tips, Facebook messages, text messages, phone calls and Happy Birthday vibes that you sent my way :) Every one of them made me smile, and that's always a good thing!

I thought that maybe I would give this Thursday Thirteen thingamabob a try. Surely I can think of 13 things to say about the journey to turning 30. So here we go:

1. Life gets a bit clearer when you are who you really are. Not that I fully know who I am yet, but I am beginning to know her. She isn't half bad, is surprisingly intuitive when she really listens to her soul voice, and doesn't like people who aren't real (ironic huh!). I don't know why I spent so much time trying to be who I am not (maybe I was just trying out different styles), but I am glad that the real me is showing up more often.

2. Relationships are easy when they are with the right people. The difficult ones generally aren't worth the hassle. As I get a lil older, I'm finding it easier to let go of the difficult ones.

3. I don't know half as much as I thought I did; but I'm beginning to learn.

4. No matter what your philosophy is on life, parenting, work, books, art, how to put on a nappy, the best way to cook chicken, what colour shoes you should wear or coffee vs tea, there will be people who will think that you should do it differently. This is a good thing. Doing what I truly believe is best is almost always best for me.

5. Fresh air is always good.

6. Comfy shoes are better than ankle-breakers / circulation-cut-off'ers. Now we just need them to start making the impossible: Comfy AND pretty. Until then, sometimes I'll just have to grin and bear it :-)

7. Partying is fun.

8. So is curling up on the couch with hubby / a good book / the laptop / the cat.

9. I like not waking up with a hangover.

10. Girlfriends are essential. I miss mine and wish they didn't all live so very far away. Writing that made me cry ;-(

11. I am incredibly lonely.

12. My family is the most important thing there is in my life. Hubby, my baby, my parents and brother are my world.

13. Becoming a mom has finally given me a real purpose in life. No ''job'' can give me the kind of joy or fulfillment that taking care of my baby and family does. I know that I couldn't have this life back in Trinidad (Estonia's maternity leave is 1.5 years fully paid), so I guess I just have to work harder at not being lonely. On the same note, no job has ever been this hard. It is the steepest learning curve I have ever encountered, coupled with the least sleep, non-stop 24/7 demands, and hourly tests of my patience which I sometimes don't pass. But I would never ask for it to change... except maybe that she would sleep all night, be immune to teething pain and colds, and think that the view from the floor was much cooler than the view from my sometimes weary arms.

13.5 I still feel like I'm 27. And I'm glad that I am no longer 21, as much crazy fun as it was.

So there we have it. It is a milestone. I have reached it. I still have faaaaaar to go, and if the journey from here on out is even half the fun that the past 30 years have been, I'm in for a cool ride.

Saturday night on the couch.

My last weekend of the single mama drama. WHEW. Praise the Universe and everybody in it. I have survived this far, surely I can go a few more days until the LOVE of my LIFE gets back into my lonely arms on Tuesday to be squished for hours and hours and hours. I will show the Angel the TRUE meaning of clingy.

She misses him too. She just lights up when she hears Skype ringing and sees him on the screen :)

On another note, I seem to have got the whole step-mommy thing down! Yes, I am a step-mama too... and apparently not of the beautiful but evil with poisoned apple persuasion. My step-daughter has spent both weekends with us, even though her dad isn't here... by her own choice. I guess I can't be doing too badly a job if she wants to hang out with me all weekend long, twice. Although I'm sure the Angel does get some credit... and the absence of a certain pesky younger brother that you don't have to share the computer with. But it has been cool. Becoming a mama myself has made the step-part muuuuch easier and more fun.

And Saturday night finds me curled on the couch, cup of tea in hand, my book and cat on my lap. I have been trying to read this book since my Mom gave it to me back home in July. Which really is not an accurate reflection of how good it is. It really is good. I have had so many moments of ''Yes, this is True'' reading it. Which just cause me to put it down and get lost in my own thoughts as I ponder the deep, real wisdom that is The Seat of the Soul. Anybody else read it?

Guidance needed

My ex died yesterday. Apparently suicide. The same ex that gave me the jewelry.
2 days after I tried to cut our spiritual ties.
1 day after I cleansed the jewelry of any negative energy so that they could be passed safely on to a new owner.

I don't believe in coincidences.

If anyone reading this can help me to process it, I would be grateful.

Drum roll.......

It's our new home!!! Well, part of it anyway. The top of the stairs leading out to the porch to be exact.

So no, sorry to disappoint. I'm not preggers again. Praise Jah, Allah, Jesus, Latchmi, Buddha and The Universe. What do y'all think we are? Bunnies??? Angel ain't even 9 months old yet! Besides, contraception was the first topic of conversation at my checkup. I even begged and pleaded to have my tubes tied, for I was NEVAH going through that again! I would adopt, surely, if the Brangelina brooding itch started acting up. But doc said nay. ''EVerybody says that'' she proclaimed smiling. ''No no no no no.. I'm serious'' I countered. ''I really REALLY am SURE that I don't want anymore''. She wasn't convinced. But at least she provided a five-year-accident-free alternative. So unless fate seriously has other plans for me, that's one post you won't be reading for a while :)

Back to Mi Casa or Minu Maja in Estonian. It's a little box, made of ticky tacky, with other little boxes and they all look just the same. And I shall love it! Because there will be grass, and trees, and no horns honking, and kids playing outside, and other parents whom I can bond with and borrow eggs from if I run out. I shall be a hermit no more. Hallelujah.

So I've been busy learning about and trying to Feng Shui a very non-Feng-Shui layout. Imagine they put the bathrooms right next to and above the front door! Just flushing all our chi down the drain. It is amazing how un-harmoniously we live. I wonder if that's the reason the angel wakes up a million times at night, and I feel like death most mornings??

Did you know that :
You shouldn't put mirrors reflecting your bed? Sorry for all the pervies out there, but it brings a 3rd party to your union.

Using all the burners on your stove will open you up to multiple sources of income.

A bathroom over your kitchen will badly affect health and prosperity. And a bathroom in the middle of the house will undermine all the energy therein.

You should never store stuff under your bed or sleep with your feet pointed out the door.

A mirror reflecting your work desk doubles your work load!

Amazing stuff! There's lots more in the interwebs so Google away! Unless of course you know all that already. I just had to share :)

And thanks Kaisa for the tip on the art-shop. I went there yesterday and the lady is really cool! She was sooo helpful and her store is very baby-friendly. ''Put her on the ground so she can walk around... have a seat here and nurse her if you want... here's a doll for her to play with.'' If only everywhere was so open to babies, the world would be a happier place. Sigh.

And it seems I have chosen my pseudonym well. Van Gone. For the artist has left the building. I hope he just went out for some coffee. I shall doodle until he decides to come back. No pressure. I am open to the energy. Ohhhmmm.

Etc etc etc

I have a lot of little things running through my head, but can't seem to decide what exactly I want to say about them.

Like the one annoying fly that was buzzing around in my kitchen this morning. He's still here somewhere, but methinks he picked up on my ''I'm seriously considering swatting you'' vibe and decided it was time to chill out quietly. I was am reading The Seat of the Soul, and I reached the part about Reverence. Apparently reverence for Life extends to annoying buzzy bugs too. So to get the urge to squish out of my system, I squished the urge to squish the fly instead.

Then there's the bursting mommy-pride. The angel is crawling! Pulling herself up to stand! Saying Mama! Saying Dada! I have the most adorable (naturally) video of her crawling on the beach in Tobago which I am dying to post here. But she's naked. As we all should be on the beach. And I hesitate. To me there is nothing more beautiful than her michelin-man dumpling rolls and that scrumptious baby bum. And I want to show it to everybody. But I know that there are those out there who won't see it for it's innocent beauty. And that makes me sad.

Then there's the whole spiritual journey thing that I'm dying to talk about. I think it started when I was a teenager and couldn't get my head around the Body & Blood of Christ in the form of a wafer and vino. I've come a looong way since then. I recently refused to baptise the angel. That's a whole 'nother post by itself. Has anyone seen Zeitgeist???

And, I'm getting a serious itch to paint. I have some cool pics that I want to play with. What's the best medium for intense colours and reach-out-and-touch-me texture? Acrylics? Oils? Cotton balls soaked in food colouring? Something else I never heard of? And what kinda brushes do I need?

Ok, I think that's it for now. I do have some other MAJAH news, but I don't want to jinx it yet :)


My friend's country house in Vihterpalus, Estonia