Tony

I realized this morning how angry I have been for a long time. Angry with him for things he did that hurt me. Angry with him for throwing his life away bit by bit over the past years. Angry with him for not facing his demons. Angry with him for ignoring the love and help his friends and family tried over and over to give him. Angry with his parents. Angry with myself.

I can't be angry anymore. I cannot judge.

The universe unfolds the way it should. Thank you for reminding me of that Tash.

Today is his funeral. A gifted, intelligent, loved, young man with a little baby boy, died from heart failure. It wasn't suicide.

One day his family, many many friends and I will understand, but for now I am grateful that he is at peace.

God speed. Rest in peace Tony. Be at peace.

Guidance needed

My ex died yesterday. Apparently suicide. The same ex that gave me the jewelry.
2 days after I tried to cut our spiritual ties.
1 day after I cleansed the jewelry of any negative energy so that they could be passed safely on to a new owner.

I don't believe in coincidences.

If anyone reading this can help me to process it, I would be grateful.

Thank you thank you thank you

It's WORKING!!!

I cleared out our money corner, which incidentally was hopelessly cluttered and dutsy, and then placed a nice basket with lots of spare change coins and a fat red candle that was a house warming present.

And things are looking up.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I am so happy and grateful for our blessings.

And recently, I put 8 pieces (because 8 is the number of wealth and prosperity) of gold in a little gold covered box and put it in the corner. Right after, we got a much appreciated housewarming present from my wonderful family.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Life is great :)


P.S. Your money power spot is the back left of your house and any room. Red and Gold, 8 pieces of lucky bamboo, water-stuff like an aquarium, a vase of pretty flowers, a lamp and plants are all good for you money-chi in this area.

Lookit how much roooom we have!

This Feng Shui stuff is GREAT!! I've thrown out bags and bags and HUGE bags of JUNK that was just cluttering my life and my cupboards. It really is amazing how much stuff you can accumulate, and how freeing it is to get rid of it all.

Clothes, shoes, handbags, belts, jewelry, dvd's... I still have boxes of books to tackle. Because books are to be read, and not collected to gather dust and mites.

The other good thing is that even though I am throwing them out because I no longer need them, they will find their way into the homes of others who do. ''Garbage'' is well sorted here in Estonia so no fish bones or shrimp shells will be mixed with the clothes. And there are those who make their living off the things that others discard.

And I found 2 fabulous pairs of my pre-preggy jeans that I had completely forgotten about!

And I no longer have to spend 2 hours deciding what to wear because I can SEE everything that I have. Its a lot less that I had before, but it is all stuff that I like to wear. No more chugging through piles of things that I don't like or that don't fit to find my favorites.

So liberating. So easy. So clean and neat.

Some of the jewelry is harder to part with though. A pretty jade pendant, a delicate gold bracelet and earrings, an onyx chain and earrings. Gifts from an old boyfriend that have less than pleasant memories attached. But no longer will they hold me in the past. I'm not throwing them in the bin, I'll find someone to give them to... after I cleanse them with sandalwood incense, and cut my ties.

And when we move into our new home next month, we will be moving with only the things we love.


P.S. If you wanna give the whole Feng Shui thing a try, try to get your hands on a copy of ''Feng Shui your Life'' by Jayme Barrett. Its an excellent introduction that will speak volumes to you about more than just where to put your couch... but she'll help you with that too!

This thing they call AP

Attachment Parenting. I discovered it when the Angel was a few days old, I think, or maybe it was while I was still pregnant. And it felt deep-down-in-the-soul-of-my-bones-right.

Suddenly there was a whole bunch of websites saying that I didn't have to worry about holding my baby too much, indeed it was better for her to be up with me than alone in a crib or play pen. And that it was OK and even best for her to sleep safely next to me for as long as she needed. And that I didn't have to leave her to cry at night to 'learn' to fall asleep; that my touch, taste and smell were the perfect source of comfort until she naturally developed that ability on her own. That I could breastfeed for however long she needed, whenever she needed, and yes, it is perfectly normal for that to be 20 times a day. That it was natural for me to feel it in my heart when she cried and that responding immediately, if not sooner, was not spoiling her, rather it was showing her that the world is a safe place, and that her feelings are important.

You mean I could listen to my instincts, my heart, my every mommy-fiber and enjoy my baby fully? And that it won't turn her into a clingy, spoilt, tantrum-throwing, monster-being?

What a relief! Thanks Dr. Sears and API :)

And what was even better... MILLIONS of people, for THOUSANDS of years were doing exactly what I knew was right. It was how we survived and evolved as a species.

The ''training'' approach it turns out has only been around for a much shorter time, and only in Westernized cultures. The same cultures that have Post Traumatic Stress, sleeping disorders and a plethora of other mental health problems. The same cultures that have high crime and murder rates, high suicide rates, high i-dont-need-anybody-and-cant-let-anybody-get-too-close rates, and too many lonely people with ''commitment issues''.

How? Who? When did we feel the need to train our children like puppies? Sometimes even harsher than we train our puppies! When did we begin to forget that our precious babies have the same emotions, feelings, rights and needs as us? They just come in a smaller package. A package that learns best in it's own time how to move, communicate, eat, sleep, and use the potty. A smaller package that needs us bigger and more dextrous packages to help until they learn to do it on their own. A fragile little package in a huge, new world, that trusts us big 'uns to protect them as they learn. To comfort them when things get scary. To respect them as full human beings, their needs, their emotions, their temporarily limited physical abilities. To treat them as good as we would treat our best friend.

I've heard / read so many people talk / write about teaching their little ones to be independent because it is what is best for them. And then I thought that if we were meant to be like that, we would have been born as adults. Babies would be born talking, walking, eating, leaping tall buildings. Who would need a mommy?? Maybe we would just be like amoebas and pouf! Then there were two.

But instead we are born tiny, soft, dependent, unable to move around for ourselves, knowing only the smell and voice of the warm body that was our entire world. Our cries of need, pain, loneliness, fear, hunger and thirst cause changes in our mothers' bodies compelling them to comfort and soothe us.

Then come the experts with books to sell convincing our mothers to ignore our cries. Brainwashing those we trust into believing that we don't need really them.

I'm not judging those who chose a different path in their parenting. I believe that most mothers do the best they can with the resources and information that they have available, and out of love for their children.

But I don't understand why the so-called experts persist in spreading their methods when for years it has been proved to harmful, damaging and negative. Maybe that's unfair to say. Even Dr. Ferber has changed his position on sleep training.

I'm no expert, but I am a Mama. My baby sometimes sleeps for long hours, sometimes not. And this is normal. When she wakes up, she wants me to be there. And this is normal. She sleeps best next to me. I feel safest with her there.

One day, when she is ready, she will no longer need me 24 hours a day. She won't want the comfort and nourishment of my breast, the warmth and security of my body next to hers at night, or my arms to carry her around.

And something tells me that I will miss her.

Sharing the love

So there I was, sitting at my dining table / desk, staring out the window at the night-lights of Tallinn... well those on my street anyway, and completely lost as to what to blog about. I mean, I started this because I had SO much to say and nobody to say it to, right? I have never been accused of being the silent type, so did I really have NOTHING to over-share with the the world? I had been in this slump for nearly a week now.

But then!! Dum da da DUUUMMMMM!!!

Bluebella to the rescue!!! A Wonder Woman hard-working mom to twin toddlers with a beautiful new baby on the way who, no matter what life throws at her, finds a way to love and laugh.

She awarded Moi, ahem, with this lovely Pink Rose award cuz she thinks I'm cool like that :)

Suddenly we had something to write about! I don't call 'em Me Muses for nuthin.

And because it is better to give than to receive, here is who I pass this award onto:
Nan who gave me the encouragement and inspiration I needed to start blogging.
My friend Nalini who doesn't blog, but who is my sister in this and who knows how many other lives.
Antique Mommy who always makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
Scary Mommy, a beautiful mama who really isn't scary at all.
All the bloggers at API who never fail to provide the support we all need as mamas.


*****

In this blogosphere we read and feel each other's joys and pains. When people can't hope for themselves, we try to have hope for them, even if we feel that all hope is lost on our own situations. No matter how we express it, what I think we feel but do not often say about hope is this: we hope will have the strength to live through whatever is handed to us, and that come what may, we will be alright.

How many pink roses do you know? How many times have you wanted to let them know that they are appreciated and that you find them and their words beautiful? How many times have you wanted to lift someone up and said a silent prayer that she or he would be able to heal? How many times have you felt a fellow blogger's isolation and wanted reach out to let them know they weren't alone? Here's your chance. Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.

Here's what to do:
1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post. You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

Coconuts and the I.R.A

That's my dad in our, well their, backyard cutting coconuts from our... I mean their coconut tree. He's not really in the IRA though. I think my uncle was, but that could have just been a story they told us.

But he did grow up in Nor'n Ireland seeing bombs go off next door. That's something a Trini like me will hopefully never understand. And if Russia decides to get pissy with Estonia again, I'm on the next plane out.

And I saw a coconut tree for sale in the mall! It was just a coconut that had sprouted in a bucket. All I could think of was ''Is that really going to fit in an apartment??'' Now, I'm wondering if it would survive winter. Cus it would be super cool to have a coconut tree in the yard of our new house. Cus now we have a yaaard daaahling. We would be the only people with that, I'm sure! And everybody would get freshly-picked, organic coconuts from their cool caribbean neighbour. And the kids could have coconut tree climbing competitions. hahahaha... I just had a mental picture of hubby trying to scale the tree with a cutlass (machete) in his teeth. hahahahaha. Maybe not such a good idea after all.

I really have nothing to write about, have you noticed?

Dry. I. Am. Dry.

Furniture shopping is harder than me thought. And 'SPENSIVE! Don't talk about planning a kitchen! With all the different drawers, and thingies, and whatchamacallits. Whew. Dizzzy. But fun :)

Feng Shui for luuuurve

This post is dedicated to those of you who are looking for love, think they found love, want more love, wanna keep the love flowing, and just love love :)

Now I'm no expert, this is just stuff that you could find yourself online. But since I googled it already, why should you have to do all that work!

So here we go:

The theme is Happy Couples. So we need to reflect this in your boudoir, even if you're not in a couple. You won't look like a psycho stalker, you will just be letting the universe (and any ahem, guests) know that you are open and receptive to luurve.

Pictures and artwork of happy pairs is good. It doesn't have to be cheesy and mushy. 2 flowers, 2 birds, 2 hands, 2 people who look like they are happy to be together. Single stuff probably won't help here, like 1 tree, or 1 man fishing. Apparently all that solo stuff sends out the signal that solitude is your thing.

Its a good idea to put this on the wall at the foot of your bed and just opposite your door, so you see it when you come in and when you're in bed.

Onto your bed! If its jammed with one side against the wall, you're gonna need to pull it out. Ideally, both sides should be equally accessible by you and your objet d'amour. Good quality, soft, natural fibre sheets are what you need. Cus who feels sexy on rough and scratchy sheets?? And keep it so that you are facing the door when you're lying down, but without your feet pointing out. Kinda obliquely opposite the door is what I think they mean. And your headboard should be against the wall too. Bedside tables, if you have them, should be on each side of the bed.

For the lighting, think soft and soothing. Toxin free, scented candles, dim lights. No glaring overhead lights, computer and TV screens. They said you can cover up the TV with a nice piece of fabric if you really don't want to get rid of it. But really, TV in the bedroom?? Kinda counter-productive to your aim, n'est ce pas?

Open your windows! Lots of fresh air is good, but make sure you close 'em up at night to keep the energy circling around and nourishing you.

Now for your colours. Think lots of skin, in its varying beautiful shades from pale to chocolate. A pop of red or pink here and there is sure to bring home the love. But you need to be careful with the red though. Apparently its a really powerful colour, and if it isn't used properly, can have some negative power. Sorry, I don't know more about that.



And cover up or move any mirrors reflecting your bed. Let's not have a 3rd party in the mix... unless that's your thing, of course.

Drum roll.......

It's our new home!!! Well, part of it anyway. The top of the stairs leading out to the porch to be exact.

So no, sorry to disappoint. I'm not preggers again. Praise Jah, Allah, Jesus, Latchmi, Buddha and The Universe. What do y'all think we are? Bunnies??? Angel ain't even 9 months old yet! Besides, contraception was the first topic of conversation at my checkup. I even begged and pleaded to have my tubes tied, for I was NEVAH going through that again! I would adopt, surely, if the Brangelina brooding itch started acting up. But doc said nay. ''EVerybody says that'' she proclaimed smiling. ''No no no no no.. I'm serious'' I countered. ''I really REALLY am SURE that I don't want anymore''. She wasn't convinced. But at least she provided a five-year-accident-free alternative. So unless fate seriously has other plans for me, that's one post you won't be reading for a while :)

Back to Mi Casa or Minu Maja in Estonian. It's a little box, made of ticky tacky, with other little boxes and they all look just the same. And I shall love it! Because there will be grass, and trees, and no horns honking, and kids playing outside, and other parents whom I can bond with and borrow eggs from if I run out. I shall be a hermit no more. Hallelujah.

So I've been busy learning about and trying to Feng Shui a very non-Feng-Shui layout. Imagine they put the bathrooms right next to and above the front door! Just flushing all our chi down the drain. It is amazing how un-harmoniously we live. I wonder if that's the reason the angel wakes up a million times at night, and I feel like death most mornings??

Did you know that :
You shouldn't put mirrors reflecting your bed? Sorry for all the pervies out there, but it brings a 3rd party to your union.

Using all the burners on your stove will open you up to multiple sources of income.

A bathroom over your kitchen will badly affect health and prosperity. And a bathroom in the middle of the house will undermine all the energy therein.

You should never store stuff under your bed or sleep with your feet pointed out the door.

A mirror reflecting your work desk doubles your work load!

Amazing stuff! There's lots more in the interwebs so Google away! Unless of course you know all that already. I just had to share :)

And thanks Kaisa for the tip on the art-shop. I went there yesterday and the lady is really cool! She was sooo helpful and her store is very baby-friendly. ''Put her on the ground so she can walk around... have a seat here and nurse her if you want... here's a doll for her to play with.'' If only everywhere was so open to babies, the world would be a happier place. Sigh.

And it seems I have chosen my pseudonym well. Van Gone. For the artist has left the building. I hope he just went out for some coffee. I shall doodle until he decides to come back. No pressure. I am open to the energy. Ohhhmmm.

Tragedy aboard the HMS Sinkeasy...a true story of some "trinis" in the Bermuda triangle

This morning I woke up to find this (below) actual email from my brother. He is not what you would call a wordy type of guy, unless he's had a few, or he knows you really really REALLY well. He recently vacated the warm comforts, home cooked meals and clean laundry that is our parent's home to strike out on his own in Bermuda. Every so often we hear his stories of life on the rock.



Good night all,

I am about to relay the events of August 10, 2008. A gripping tale of some "trinis" braving the Bermuda triangle in search of adventure. It is not a happy tale and for those prone to crying, please stop reading now!

Sadly, the moral of this story is not new - Too much man, too little boat. In economics, such a situation causes inflation...the opposite is true of the triangle.

Captain's log, Triangle date 10/08/08:

The day began with a clear blue sky and a hangover from the night before...thanks Jasen, that house lime was so worth it (for the non-trinis, lime means to hang out). I jumped on my bike around 10am and made for the refuge of Safraz's house. There we re-grouped and headed for the docks, where the HMS Sinkeasy was anchored and ready to go (sink!). It started to drizzle but that did not weaken our spirits...though if we knew it would cause a "Small Craft Warning" we would have thought otherwise. Seven of us set out in that fateful small craft for an adventure we would have never predicted.

After some quick instructions from the owner we set out with yours truly as El Capitan! Having been the only person to drive a boat before, I accepted this responsibility with much humility and excitement.

Our journey began through the smallest drawbridge in the world (yes folks its in the Guinness Book) only the HMS Sinkeasy was so small that they did not have to raise it for us to pass!!!

The water was choppy but El Capitan was both brave and on his 3rd beer for the morning. We made a straight cut through the Great something (I can't recall what the map said it was) and veered north towards the Royal Naval Dockyard. On the way, Jasen my trusting navigator, saw that a fishing spot was closeby - under Watford Bridge - and the crew asked El Capitan to change course to make for Watford Bridge. Not wanting a mutiny, I obliged.

Upon my approach I thought that the water seemed a bit rough and that Safraz's fat ass was weighing down the front of HMS Sinkeasy. It was here that the precarious nature of the triangle became obvious. A huge swell engulfed the HMS Sinkeasy and washed Safraz, his wife Shelly and El Capitan from the deck.

Yes folks, El Capitan was forcefully taken from his ship. Not letting down on the responsibilty given to me, I issued immediate orders for Jasen to assume control and take the boat out of the swells lest the rest of the crew be lost too.

A passing vessel picked up the 3 adrift "trinis" and took us away from the swells and back to the HMS Sinkeasy. We salvaged whatever we could from the water but alas....some did not make it back!

I commend my fallen comrades to the deep:

Name - Ring-a-ding Ricky. Rank - 1st Mate. Purchased 1 week ago at Digicel. Though pulled from the water, his rings were forever drowned in the deep blue sea. His heart still lives on and I will implant it into a new Nokia tomorrow.

Name - Snapping Mack. Rank - Chief of the Boat. Purchased yesterday. I took a total of 10 pictures with him. $130, never recovered.

Name - Steely Dan. Rank - Ordinary Seaman. Purchased Friday, stringed on Saturday, went down on Sunday. My poor fishing rod never stood a chance...round 1 to you mother nature.

We eventually made it back to the dock. The thought of my fallen comrades, Safraz weighing down the ship and Shelly trying to save the Heineken keg are forever burned into memory.


Humbly yours,

El Capitan.

Etc etc etc

I have a lot of little things running through my head, but can't seem to decide what exactly I want to say about them.

Like the one annoying fly that was buzzing around in my kitchen this morning. He's still here somewhere, but methinks he picked up on my ''I'm seriously considering swatting you'' vibe and decided it was time to chill out quietly. I was am reading The Seat of the Soul, and I reached the part about Reverence. Apparently reverence for Life extends to annoying buzzy bugs too. So to get the urge to squish out of my system, I squished the urge to squish the fly instead.

Then there's the bursting mommy-pride. The angel is crawling! Pulling herself up to stand! Saying Mama! Saying Dada! I have the most adorable (naturally) video of her crawling on the beach in Tobago which I am dying to post here. But she's naked. As we all should be on the beach. And I hesitate. To me there is nothing more beautiful than her michelin-man dumpling rolls and that scrumptious baby bum. And I want to show it to everybody. But I know that there are those out there who won't see it for it's innocent beauty. And that makes me sad.

Then there's the whole spiritual journey thing that I'm dying to talk about. I think it started when I was a teenager and couldn't get my head around the Body & Blood of Christ in the form of a wafer and vino. I've come a looong way since then. I recently refused to baptise the angel. That's a whole 'nother post by itself. Has anyone seen Zeitgeist???

And, I'm getting a serious itch to paint. I have some cool pics that I want to play with. What's the best medium for intense colours and reach-out-and-touch-me texture? Acrylics? Oils? Cotton balls soaked in food colouring? Something else I never heard of? And what kinda brushes do I need?

Ok, I think that's it for now. I do have some other MAJAH news, but I don't want to jinx it yet :)


My friend's country house in Vihterpalus, Estonia

Wordless Wednesday

Later edit: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha.. i just realized it is Thursday!! Kyah kyah kyah

Yummy Yummy Boobies

It is World Breastfeeding Week. YAY for the Lovely Lactating Lady Lumps everywhere in all their splendid shapes, sizes and spraying powers.

In keeping with my nature to compulsively over-share the intimate details of my life, here's what I've learnt about this so far.

In the beginning:

IT HURTS!!! Boy does it hurt. Those first few days are agony. Especially when the midwives you are relying on for information (because you are a clueless first-time mom who has knows nothing about what to expect despite having read the book) don't tell you that you should be using nipple cream until you are already chaffed and bleeding. Even though you told them IT HURTS, they will still pinch and squeeze your poor tender titties and force them into the mouth of your precious new angel, whom by the way, you are seriously considering bottle-feeding by this point. They will ignore your cries of pain and tell you in bad english to get used to it... until a few days later (when you are lying there exhausted and topless because even the slightest breeze causes you to wince in agony) one midwife notices that your boob has a crease down the middle. And this should not be so. AH HA! The baby was not latching on properly. Hence the crease, hence the pain. It will take some time to figure out yourself how it should be done. Because they won't show you. And your angel won't do what the books and videos say she should be doing.

Oh yeah, and, NOBODY has milk for the first few days. Nobody. You have other healthy, gentle, important stuff in there for your angel, but your milk doesn't come in until a few days after. It doesn't mean that your supply is low or anything. Just keep nursing away. The more you nurse, the more you will have.

Then overnight, your chest will go from zero to torpedo. You will wake up on the morning of the 3rd day or so with 2 MASSIVE ROCKS. You will wish that you could go clubbing in a slinky little top just so you could show them off. Not really. But you will be very impressed and show them off to your hubby. ''Look at these!'' jiggle jiggle... ouch. They still hurt. And they are HARD!!

That's when you turn into a firehose. The little angel whom you feared wasn't getting enough will now be choking. You will spray everything in your path including hubby, the bed, the floor, the mirror, and of course, the angel. You will spray her in the eye, up her nose, all over her clothes. Especially those times when she nurses just enough to get things flowing and then decides she doesn't really want it after all, and leaves you in full blast.

But it gets better :)

By the fourth or fifth week, things begin to settle down a bit. You feel like you have been doing this your whole life. It has stopped hurting. Now you look forward to laying down side by side and nursing your precious angel. Even if it is 20 times a day. It is beautiful, calm, relaxing.

And boy does it take the weight off! Hello pre-preggy jeans! Or maybe I'm just lucky.

It has been 8 months now and I can't imagine not being able to bond like this with the angel. When I think back to the torturous first weeks, and how it was sheer determination that got me through, I am beyond grateful that I kept at it.

There is nothing that soothes an angel's cries when she bumps her head trying to crawl, is scared or overwhelmed, or maybe the moon is in the wrong phase, than cradling her to my now normal-sized and once again soft chest.

I hope to self-wean, and mentioning this has met with looks of shock and horror. ''You going to be nursing a 4 year old?? That's gross!''. Well, maybe she'll be 4, maybe she'll be 2, maybe she'll be 7. Who knows how it will go. I do know that right now, I'm pretty determined to let her decide when she's ready.

And I also know that I am nowhere near ready to stop.

back grinding

I am up to my very tanned neck in wafting cat hair balls, piles of clean, not-so-clean, and definitely-not-clean clothes, half-empty suitcases, granola bar crumbs, beautiful white sand that somehow also made the trip but looked much prettier and felt less annoying in Tobago, and jet lag.

Whew

But of course I must find the time to blog!

I shall keep it short and sweet.

To commemorate a wonderful vacation, I present to you :

ME! Trying my darndest to squeeze every last drop of fun out of my last day :)

P.S. Sorry about posting the video via facebook, but this darn thing won't let me post it here :(